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What advice would you give to other survivors about dating after cancer?
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member3977 (Survivor (1 year)) - 02 / 02 / 2012
Dating after cancer isn't really all that scary. Seriously, after being pumped full of poison and having our bodies blasted with radiation, I think most of us can fake our way through an hour or two of coffee and conversation with a potential love interest. Sex after cancer, on the other hand, can be a bit daunting. Especially if you're missing some essential body parts. And all of your hair. And the feeling in what used to be your chest.
What worked for me was to try to "rebuild" myself (paging the bionic woman!), to put myself back together using a wig and fake boobs and makeup. That helped me feel like myself so I felt more confident going out there meeting and interacting with men. But everybody's different so trying to "pass" may not work for everybody. And dating so quickly after treatment (or even amid treatment) may not work for people, either. I was lucky in that I only had four infusions of chemo and I seemed to endure it pretty well (as long as I took my meds, anyway). Same goes for radiation.
If you do feel ready to date, I would say to keep the cancer off the table for the first couple of dates. Don't include it on your profile if you're on an online dating site. Cancer doesn't define you; it's just a crappy phase you're going through. If you don't have a wig or prostheses, you may have to pony up about your situation sooner than a second or third date, but basically, the idea is to share the information only if you feel like it. Or you feel like you want them to know (for instance, if you'd like to continue seeing them).
As for the "reveal" (as I call it), I've found that if I throw it out there in a matter-of-fact way and not inundate the person with a lot of gory details (or emotion), most men will accept it without freaking out too much. In fact, I've found most guys take their cue from me. If I act like it's the end of the world, they will to. But if I just mention it in passing and not make it sound like it's completely destroyed me (even though it did at the time of diagnosis), they won't make a big deal out of it either. I've even had guys tell me that they think my attitude is "amazing" because I'm not breaking down in sobs over my cancer. Obviously, time helps (I was a complete tub of goo on the day I heard I had to have a double mastectomy) but at this point, I'm tired of giving cancer any more tears than it deserves. Quite frankly, I'd like to make it cry for a change.
As for sex, I can't talk too much about this because I'm not seeing anyone steadily. But I have had some pretty good make-out sessions here and there and while I was nervous about getting intimate with a guy at first (will my wig stay on? will he try to touch my fake boobs?), once you start kissing someone you like and connect with, you forget all about the cancer and the wig and the fake boobs and everything else. Your body and your hormones kick in and it's business as usual. My guess is once I get involved with someone, I'll probably wear more lingerie in bed than I did before (at least until I go through reconstruction), but I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to get back on that horse again (so to speak) without too many problems. ; )
I have written a bit about the nuts and bolts of dating with breast cancer on my blog, www.doublewhammied.com. Here's a link, for anyone who's interested:http://doublewhammied.com/2012/01/15/the-carrie-bradshaw-of-breast-cancer/
What worked for me was to try to "rebuild" myself (paging the bionic woman!), to put myself back together using a wig and fake boobs and makeup. That helped me feel like myself so I felt more confident going out there meeting and interacting with men. But everybody's different so trying to "pass" may not work for everybody. And dating so quickly after treatment (or even amid treatment) may not work for people, either. I was lucky in that I only had four infusions of chemo and I seemed to endure it pretty well (as long as I took my meds, anyway). Same goes for radiation.
If you do feel ready to date, I would say to keep the cancer off the table for the first couple of dates. Don't include it on your profile if you're on an online dating site. Cancer doesn't define you; it's just a crappy phase you're going through. If you don't have a wig or prostheses, you may have to pony up about your situation sooner than a second or third date, but basically, the idea is to share the information only if you feel like it. Or you feel like you want them to know (for instance, if you'd like to continue seeing them).
As for the "reveal" (as I call it), I've found that if I throw it out there in a matter-of-fact way and not inundate the person with a lot of gory details (or emotion), most men will accept it without freaking out too much. In fact, I've found most guys take their cue from me. If I act like it's the end of the world, they will to. But if I just mention it in passing and not make it sound like it's completely destroyed me (even though it did at the time of diagnosis), they won't make a big deal out of it either. I've even had guys tell me that they think my attitude is "amazing" because I'm not breaking down in sobs over my cancer. Obviously, time helps (I was a complete tub of goo on the day I heard I had to have a double mastectomy) but at this point, I'm tired of giving cancer any more tears than it deserves. Quite frankly, I'd like to make it cry for a change.
As for sex, I can't talk too much about this because I'm not seeing anyone steadily. But I have had some pretty good make-out sessions here and there and while I was nervous about getting intimate with a guy at first (will my wig stay on? will he try to touch my fake boobs?), once you start kissing someone you like and connect with, you forget all about the cancer and the wig and the fake boobs and everything else. Your body and your hormones kick in and it's business as usual. My guess is once I get involved with someone, I'll probably wear more lingerie in bed than I did before (at least until I go through reconstruction), but I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to get back on that horse again (so to speak) without too many problems. ; )
I have written a bit about the nuts and bolts of dating with breast cancer on my blog, www.doublewhammied.com. Here's a link, for anyone who's interested:http://doublewhammied.com/2012/01/15/the-carrie-bradshaw-of-breast-cancer/
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