Tough Love

Thank You ... I really appreciate this. The one's who use tough love are very close to me ... husband and daughter. I learned a month ago I have stage 2 breast cancer. The good news is it did not attach itself to the nodes. I am struggling with not really knowing IF I have cancer. I had the tumor removed last week and have an appointment with the doctor to go over the results and start treatments. If I am asking whether or not I have cancer, then I think they might be asking the same thing.

It's hard on all of us. No one knows what to say really. And I don't know how to express my needs without breaking down. I have said that tough love is not what I need right now. I tell them both that I need tenderness and understanding.

I feel like I am caught in a wind tunnel and I am being spun around with no escape.

I wish I could please everyone and help them with the feelings they have too. They are just as confused as I am and I wish they didn't have to go through this at all. It's almost like I feel guilty for doing this to them.

It's such a vicious circle. I don't know what to do ... Oh, that is always a difficult scenario. Obviously, I don't know the specifics of your situation, or the closeness of the relationship you're asking about, so my suggestions are going to be pretty general. The most important thing to do (and this is _hard_--so be sure you're getting some support) is to clearly define your own needs and boundaries. The fact that you're asking the question suggests that "tough love" doesn't feel helpful right now--in fact it may feel like it's dismissing your struggle or even making things worse. Once you understand your own needs, the next step is to give yourself permission to have those needs. All too often, we minimize our needs because we feel like we "don't want to be trouble," or we "don't deserve special treatment" or, or, or. We have to give ourselves permission to have our needs before we can set good boundaries for others. After defining needs and giving yourself permission to have them, the next step is to communicate your needs/boundaries to others. So, in the case of the "tough love" advocate, you might try several approaches. Ideally, it would be enough to simply say, "I know you're trying to support me, and I'm so grateful for that. Facing this illness is really taking all my energy right now, so I don't have much left over to "get tough."" If the direct approach doesn't work (and this isn't a partner or other member of your direct household), you may need to create some space from them for a while. Finally, if you have a good advocate among your friends and family, you might ask her/him to run interference for you. I know that this is a very short look at what may be a complex problem, but I hope that you found some useful & supportive suggestions. Please feel free to ask for clarification.