Survivorship

Yes, everyone I've spoken with has a similar experience with chemo. I found that I could not concentrate and therefore reading was useless. Too bad, I love to read and learn - its exciting to learn by reading. Eating was not so hot either, my tasting ability was gone along with my appetite. So I ended up watching the clock tick, went for long slow walks. I improved physically as my body acclimated to the chemo. Then, I became much more active - reading, watching tv, walking, talking on the phone, checking out the internet, writing letters, and more. Getting by is definitely what you do. I did not try to attend everything with my girls. We would talk about what do you want Mom to be at and what can you go to with a friend. I took a lot of naps. We planned the meals for the week and ate really simple to prepare meals. Raw carrots and apples were a staple. Buy the cut up fruit or have a neighbor come wash and cut up your fruits and veggies for you. My husband did a lot of the cooking. To build strength, try to do a little bit more. At first I could not even walk around the block. So I would just go to the end of the driveway. I was in physical therapy for my arm and shoulder. The chemo messes with all your muscles. Try to move all your different muscle groups, even if you are lying down. Point and flex your toes 10 times, Raise and lower your arms 10 times, flex and relax your gluts, then your stomach. If you are watching TV, do a few reps of something during the ads. Drink a lot of water!

Give yourself lots of extra time. It took tons of energy to shower and get dressed. So I would get ready and then rest on the couch near the kitchen for 20 minutes. I could answer questions from everyone but not be tempted to do stuff for them. I did the same thing after school. I would be on the couch in the room that my girls play in. They would bring me a drink and I could help with homework or sign papers or talk. But I did not get up if I could avoid it. If someone else can do what you need done, then ask someone to do it. Only do what is important to you and will help you get better.

I would start a task and not be able to finish it. This gets really frustrating. And my husband would get frustrated at the mess I made that he had to clean up or finish. I had to acknowledge how weak I was and learn to ask for help and let go of things that do not really matter. Your priorities will change and your standards of what is acceptable. Decide what is important to you and let the rest go. You will get stronger but it is a very gradual process.

My chiropractor has been great with trying to get them back in alignment. They were so off after chemo.

I also took it easy on exercising after chemo, started small and built up. Four months after my treatments were over, I had started a cancer wellness fitness class. It was only the 2nd week and I over did it. We did a set of 10 lunges in the class. It felt okay at the time but the next day I could barely walk. My physical therapist says that my large muscles needed more time to recover between repetitions after chemo damage. Do one rep and rest for several minutes. Then try another rep. He thought doing 10 in a row was too much and my body could not reset. Physical therapy was the treatment. They taught me how to check the alignment of my hips and gave me ways to reset them if they were uneven. Then we worked on strengthening the different muscle groups that stabilize your hips.

Life is full of uncertainties and there are no absolutes. Cancer, like any other disease can reoccur, stay gone for the rest of your life, come back in another place. You could be in an auto accident, or be pulled under by the current in the ocean. This is the risk of living.....with breast cancer or not. I tend to think about the positive opportunities each day offers, rather than dwell on the uncertainties. It's a conscious choice. I choose happy and less anxious. Before I answer this fully, I would love for each and every survivor to make a note of this question and answer it as each significant milestones are passed, whether the milestones are related to cancer or not.

Because it is a terrific questions and the answers lie in
1) our distance from treatment;
2) the extent of treatment;
3) if this is our first experience with cancer, whether I am the patient or someone in my family is;
4) if we've lost friends or family members to cancer;
5) understanding cancer itself and the medical system and
6) how each person deals with mortality.

Each and every one of these factors filter the uncertainly that cancer can create. I'm far different now, at fourteen years without cancer, than I was at three, five or even ten years. But I'm different too, because I'm active in the cancer arena and consequently have witnessed much more -too much at times - suffering and loss created by this illness.

These are all complex, life-long issues that happen to be accelerated or amplified when we've been diagnosed with cancer. It's my belief that the younger are at diagnosis the greater the impact cancer can have, from a practical, physical and emotional perspective. I encourage everyone to do the simplest thing - as Yvonne has done - as we do every week on #BCSM: write and talk about your experience. Every time you do you have helped someone else.

Thanks so much,
jms

First, I hope that you have undergone adequate lymphedema treatment. There are treatments available and most are now covered by insurance. Treatments include compression sleeves, manual lymph drainage (MLD) by specialty trained lymphedema therapists, special bandaging, sequential gradient pump, or some medications (although diuretics have proven to have little effect). Of course if your lymphedema is ever caused or made worse by an infection, then antibiotics should be prescribed.

You mention feeling isolated and embarrassed by the lymphedema. This may be due to the fact that you feel the lymphedema is a sign that you had cancer and the diagnosis in itself is one that you struggle with. It may be difficult for you to tell people why you have lymphedema if asked, or you may be afraid that you will be asked and the cancer is an experience you don’t want to talk about. Did you have body-image concerns prior to the cancer that have been exacerbated by the lymphedema? If you answered yes to these questions, you may have underlying emotional issues that are unresolved and that are triggering your embarrassment and isolation. I would strongly recommend seeking out a therapist who can help you overcome these painful issues. You can also reach out to lymphedema societies that provide ongoing support for patients who suffer from lymphedema: the National Lymphedema Network at 1-800-541-3259 or http://www.lymphnet.org; the Lymphedema International Network at http://www.lymphedema.com. First, I hope that you have undergone adequate lymphedema treatment. There are treatments available and most are now covered by insurance. Treatments include compression sleeves, manual lymph drainage (MLD) by specialty trained lymphedema therapists, special bandaging, sequential gradient pump, or some medications (although diuretics have proven to have little effect). Of course if your lymphedema is ever caused or made worse by an infection, then antibiotics should be prescribed.

You mention feeling isolated and embarrassed by the lymphedema. This may be due to the fact that you feel the lymphedema is a sign that you had cancer and the diagnosis in itself is one that you struggle with. It may be difficult for you to tell people why you have lymphedema if asked, or you may be afraid that you will be asked and the cancer is an experience you don’t want to talk about. Did you have body-image concerns prior to the cancer that have been exacerbated by the lymphedema? If you answered yes to these questions, you may have underlying emotional issues that are unresolved and that are triggering your embarrassment and isolation. I would strongly recommend seeking out a therapist who can help you overcome these painful issues. You can also reach out to lymphedema societies that provide ongoing support for patients who suffer from lymphedema: the National Lymphedema Network at 1-800-541-3259 or http://www.lymphnet.org; the Lymphedema International Network at http://www.lymphedema.com.

Fatigue is one of the most distressing side-effects of cancer treatment and a side-effect that negatively impacts quality of life. Unfortunately, fatigue does not disappear when treatment ends. Many patients have reported that fatigue post-treatment is ongoing and long-lasting. As a cancer survivor who underwent six surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy, I felt that it took over two years for me to feel like I had returned to a sense of normalcy in regard to energy and exercise. Fatigue can be physical, mental, or both. The treatment of course depends on the cause but there are general preventive strategies and then ways of taking care of oneself in order to heal and re-nourish.

If you are working long hours or doing more physical work, allow yourself more time to sleep and rest. Take work breaks to sit and rest. Delegate tasks if possible during times of stress. Ask your nurse or physician about taking vitamin or mineral supplements and consider eating smaller meals 4-6 times per day to help you maintain a higher energy level. Avoid foods that contain a lot of sugar and avoid caffeine, alcohol, and other drugs.

Taking care of yourself is always a challenge! Getting enough rest and sleep is vital. Sleep hygiene includes basic measures such as staying in bed only to sleep, establishing a routine wake time and bedtime (creating a bedtime routine), avoiding caffeine and alcohol and heavy meals before bed, no napping after 3 p.m., etc. It is important to talk to your healthcare provider about insomnia. The use of relaxation techniques such a progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, and yoga are measures that help aid restorative rest and sleep.

A major strategy to offset fatigue is to walk or exercise according to your healthcare provider’s recommendations. Exercise can increase your energy and boost your mood! If fatigue is caused by undue emotional stress then counseling is advised. Lastly, allow yourself time to relax and carry out activities that you enjoy! Developing new interests and being stimulated by new friends, new work, etc., can help with emotional fatigue which is often a side-effect of physical fatigue.
Plan your day. Be active at the time of day when you feel most alert and energetic.Choose how to spend your energy. Try to let go of things that don't matter so much.

It can be difficult to make someone confront their stress and anxiety. I recommend that you share your concern with them, but be sure not to push too hard. You might say, “I’m worried about you. You seem very stressed out, is there anything I can do to help?” If they aren’t open to admitting it or discussing it, you might try to help reduce their stressors. Make sure to give them time to relax, try not to place too many demands on them, and make them feel comfortable confiding in you. You might also invite them to do stress reducing activities with you—like going for walks. If they sense that you are pushing it though, they will feel less inclined to speak to you about it. If there is a friend or family member that this person may feel more comfortable talking to you might try to connect them with that person. Keep in mind that when we don’t acknowledge something about ourselves it is because we are not ready. You can’t make someone ready to acknowledge a problem or to deal with it. In the meantime, if the situation is causing you stress, you might focus on managing your own stress about it. It can be difficult to make someone confront their stress and anxiety. I recommend that you share your concern with them, but be sure not to push too hard. You might say, “I’m worried about you. You seem very stressed out, is there anything I can do to help?” If they aren’t open to admitting it or discussing it, you might try to help reduce their stressors. Make sure to give them time to relax, try not to place too many demands on them, and make them feel comfortable confiding in you. You might also invite them to do stress reducing activities with you—like going for walks. If they sense that you are pushing it though, they will feel less inclined to speak to you about it. If there is a friend or family member that this person may feel more comfortable talking to you might try to connect them with that person. Keep in mind that when we don’t acknowledge something about ourselves it is because we are not ready. You can’t make someone ready to acknowledge a problem or to deal with it. In the meantime, if the situation is causing you stress, you might focus on managing your own stress about it.

My thought was, "why not me?"

As far as risk factors for breast cancer I had three: 1) I'm a womman 2) I was childless 3) my periods began at a fairly early age. I also had/have an extensive family history of cancer. So in some ways, I wasn't completely surprised. Shocked? Yes. Hearing that diagnosis takes the wind out of you.

The most important thing for me was turning over the feelings of shock and bewilderment into action - into learning about the disease and the array of treatments. The best thing any of us can do when faced with a health crisis is engage and learn what we need to learn to obtain the best possible health care. When first diagnosed, I remember wondering if I--myself-- had been the cause of my cancer. Had I unknowingly exposed myself to certain chemicals? Had I neglected to wash fruits and vegetables adequately? Had I slept too little or dealt poorly with life's stresses? Even "magical thinking" entered my consciousness; perhaps if I had been more kind/respectful/religious--you name it--I could have escaped my devastating diagnosis.

After some time had passed, I began to put this all in perspective and realized that cancer is a disease that defies explanation. Why it happens to some of us and not others is a mystery that no one can unravel, at least for now. And, most likely, it has more to do with our DNA than our own behavior. Just look at the avid exercise buff with Stage 2 disease, and the overweight smoker who appears to be healthy.
I think that over time you, too, will come to accept that breast cancer has entered your life and become something that you must deal with. Eventually, we must come to realize that these questions have no definitive answers and unless we accept that, we will not move forward.

If you continue to be troubled by these feelings, I think you might look to join a support group where you can ask others how they have handled these questions. Or, perhaps you can see the social worker who works at the cancer center where you are treated. But,above all, don't think you are alone. These are normal thoughts and it can takes courage to express them. Just make sure you find help in sorting this out if your difficulties persist.

No, because moving always makes me feel better. Maybe we should stop call it exercise. The notion of going of trying to get psyched up to do something unpleasant doesn't work. Instead, I'd ask survivors, how would you like to help yourself feel better...and it's free? Take a walk. I walked all during treatment until I had difficulty while taking Taxotere and steroids. That was difficult, and it was during daily radiation as well, since I drove an hour to and from.

Healthy survivorship calls for exercise. It's good for the body, soul and mind. Intense aerobic exercise - as opposed to just walking - does a kick charge for the brain. After survivorship I also started cycling, which I enjoy immensely.

But everyone knows this. The essential thing is to do it.
jms

Yes, it was difficult for me to get motivated to exercise after treatment. My energy level was down and I think I was just down in general. I'm grateful to my doctors for pushing me to go back to the gym! Exercise is important for the healing process (physically and mentally)!!! I wish I could say that I'm exercising now purely for health reasons. But, luckily, my reconstruction has been going really well and I feel the rest of my body has to match the masterpiece my plastic surgeon has been working on.

There is one big psychosocial issue with me since I looked my mortality square in the eye: How I view myself and how I view my relationship with others.

How I do it since cancer is only different in that I am more keen to how I relate to the people in my life and how they relate to me. I yo yo on how to stay at peace with myself and the people I have a difficult time with. It’s harder since cancer, at least with one friend who, because of her personal issues has not been able to support me through this life-changing experience (not to mention, she just drives me crazy though has very good traits).

Then there are family dynamics (like so many folks, I have had less than normal family circumstances). I question whether it is healthy for me to stay close to family and friends who just stress me out. This leads to the second part of my big psychosocial issue: how I view myself. When I think about distancing myself from the people who upset me over and over, I wonder if I am being too selfish.

Also on how I view me: I was always aware of the things I want to change about myself, as I relate to the people I care about, especially my family. I have made a lot of mistakes with my daughter. I am even more sensitive to how much I want to change. I am especially sensitive to not being as successful at it at it when I fall back in very difficult situations. But then again, I am even more keen now to the reality that every day is a new chance to get back up. There is one big psychosocial issue with me since I looked my mortality square in the eye: How I view myself and how I view my relationship with others.

How I do it since cancer is only different in that I am more keen to how I relate to the people in my life and how they relate to me. I yo yo on how to stay at peace with myself and the people I have a difficult time with. It’s harder since cancer, at least with one friend who, because of her personal issues has not been able to support me through this life-changing experience (not to mention, she just drives me crazy though has very good traits).

Then there are family dynamics (like so many folks, I have had less than normal family circumstances). I question whether it is healthy for me to stay close to family and friends who just stress me out. This leads to the second part of my big psychosocial issue: how I view myself. When I think about distancing myself from the people who upset me over and over, I wonder if I am being too selfish.

Also on how I view me: I was always aware of the things I want to change about myself, as I relate to the people I care about, especially my family. I have made a lot of mistakes with my daughter. I am even more sensitive to how much I want to change. I am especially sensitive to not being as successful at it at it when I fall back in very difficult situations. But then again, I am even more keen now to the reality that every day is a new chance to get back up.

In general, the earlier the stage of diagnosis, the lower the risk of recurrence. However, with breast cancer or any cancer, we can never really say that a patient is truly “cured” – sometimes “NED” – no evidence of disease – is the best we can do. We do not yet have the ability to detect individual metastatic cells which may be slowly growing, only to show up on a scan years later. We are also learning more about breast cancer and while the stage at initial diagnosis is important, the biologic behavior, or aggressiveness of the cancer, may be even more important in terms of assessing an individual patient’s risk of recurrence. In general, the earlier the stage of diagnosis, the lower the risk of recurrence. However, with breast cancer or any cancer, we can never really say that a patient is truly “cured” – sometimes “NED” – no evidence of disease – is the best we can do. We do not yet have the ability to detect individual metastatic cells which may be slowly growing, only to show up on a scan years later. We are also learning more about breast cancer and while the stage at initial diagnosis is important, the biologic behavior, or aggressiveness of the cancer, may be even more important in terms of assessing an individual patient’s risk of recurrence.

Developing my website was a little time-consuming. The initial set up was probably a couple of months and for me, about 30-40 hours most weeks during that time. This is what was entailed:


1. Deciding the tone/message/image I wanted to convey.

Eg., I wanted upbeat, self-empowering, and to have something to offer to survivors of any cancer type. The front page is for all survivors. It’s focus is nonclinical and on what we can do for ourselves in the way of diet, supplements, stress reduction. Organizations doing great things for us. Nonclinical, light, and sometimes funny. Many of the other tabs are for people with specific cancers and some of it is more clinical (treatments, diagnostics, etc).

After I had the tabs figured out, I wrote a few articles for each of the tabs, and found great sites where I could get free images to go with the stories. I also hired a graphic designer to work with me on my logo.


2. Actually setting up the site:

I contacted a survivor with a beautiful website who steered me toward a web developer who was good and in my price range. The designer in turn recommended a web host with a good, inexpensive product. Developing my website was a little time-consuming. The initial set up was probably a couple of months and for me, about 30-40 hours most weeks during that time. This is what was entailed:


1. Deciding the tone/message/image I wanted to convey.

Eg., I wanted upbeat, self-empowering, and to have something to offer to survivors of any cancer type. The front page is for all survivors. It’s focus is nonclinical and on what we can do for ourselves in the way of diet, supplements, stress reduction. Organizations doing great things for us. Nonclinical, light, and sometimes funny. Many of the other tabs are for people with specific cancers and some of it is more clinical (treatments, diagnostics, etc).

After I had the tabs figured out, I wrote a few articles for each of the tabs, and found great sites where I could get free images to go with the stories. I also hired a graphic designer to work with me on my logo.


2. Actually setting up the site:

I contacted a survivor with a beautiful website who steered me toward a web developer who was good and in my price range. The designer in turn recommended a web host with a good, inexpensive product.

The most important tip that I can give to seniors to improve their sexual relationship is the power of laughter. Because of the aging process, sexual encounters may be difficult at times. Engaging in gentle humor may help people get through an awkward moment of physical or emotional issues. With a gentle and loving laugh, shows our partners that there is an understanding that comes between two people who want to be together.

Sexual encounters should be enjoyable regardless how old you are. If you are having physical problems seek help from a healthcare professional that can guide you on what medications that you can or cannot take to help improve your physical condition. Or there are many self-help books that are out there in the market place that a person can buy without feeling shameful about.

Some seniors may feel embarrassed about sexual encounters because of the changes in their bodies. Communication can be a great aphrodisiac, speak to your partner about how you feel. When you open your feelings up it allows the other person to see how astonishing you are.

If you are not in a long term monogamous relationship with a person, you should insist that your partner wear a condom during intercourse. Sexual transmitted diseases are the fastest growing diseases in the adult community of people who are over fifty and up.

If your partner says no to a condom, be aware that by your consenting to his action, you will be exposing yourself to all of his sexual encounters before you. The most important tip that I can give to seniors to improve their sexual relationship is the power of laughter. Because of the aging process, sexual encounters may be difficult at times. Engaging in gentle humor may help people get through an awkward moment of physical or emotional issues. With a gentle and loving laugh, shows our partners that there is an understanding that comes between two people who want to be together.

Sexual encounters should be enjoyable regardless how old you are. If you are having physical problems seek help from a healthcare professional that can guide you on what medications that you can or cannot take to help improve your physical condition. Or there are many self-help books that are out there in the market place that a person can buy without feeling shameful about.

Some seniors may feel embarrassed about sexual encounters because of the changes in their bodies. Communication can be a great aphrodisiac, speak to your partner about how you feel. When you open your feelings up it allows the other person to see how astonishing you are.

If you are not in a long term monogamous relationship with a person, you should insist that your partner wear a condom during intercourse. Sexual transmitted diseases are the fastest growing diseases in the adult community of people who are over fifty and up.

If your partner says no to a condom, be aware that by your consenting to his action, you will be exposing yourself to all of his sexual encounters before you.

To explain to another person regarding the scars they are seeing on your body, one must start with one’s self. When another person wants to get involved with you romantically, they want to be with you. They feel the need and the desire of having you in their life. Seeing your scars on your body may make your partner want to be with you even more. They see your scars with a loving respect of how you endured your physical disease of melanoma.

Therefore, it appears from this question that you are more uncomfortable with the scars on your body, then your partner. “Scars” represent many things to many people. There are emotional scars, physical or visible scars. One must acknowledge the “scars” for what they are. Yes, you had melanoma; these scars are my scars, my history, that I had this disease process. I am alive and capable of having a romantic relationship with someone that I choose to be with.

If the scars are bothersome to you, there are various ways that you may cover them and not show them to your partner until you are ready to.

How comfortable are you with your romantic encounter? That is the question that you should be asking yourself. If you feel more comfortable to discuss your melenoma scars before your romantic encounter, then do so.

There is a famous model Parma Parvati Lakshmi. Her scar came from an automobile accident. At first she was reluctant to show her scar. However, over a period of time she decided not to let her scar rule her life. Now she shows her scar with digiity and respect. To explain to another person regarding the scars they are seeing on your body, one must start with one’s self. When another person wants to get involved with you romantically, they want to be with you. They feel the need and the desire of having you in their life. Seeing your scars on your body may make your partner want to be with you even more. They see your scars with a loving respect of how you endured your physical disease of melanoma.

Therefore, it appears from this question that you are more uncomfortable with the scars on your body, then your partner. “Scars” represent many things to many people. There are emotional scars, physical or visible scars. One must acknowledge the “scars” for what they are. Yes, you had melanoma; these scars are my scars, my history, that I had this disease process. I am alive and capable of having a romantic relationship with someone that I choose to be with.

If the scars are bothersome to you, there are various ways that you may cover them and not show them to your partner until you are ready to.

How comfortable are you with your romantic encounter? That is the question that you should be asking yourself. If you feel more comfortable to discuss your melenoma scars before your romantic encounter, then do so.

There is a famous model Parma Parvati Lakshmi. Her scar came from an automobile accident. At first she was reluctant to show her scar. However, over a period of time she decided not to let her scar rule her life. Now she shows her scar with digiity and respect.

This is a particularly controversial area of clinical medicine. While every patient desires close followup, the insurers and those engaged in the field of “evidence-based-medicine” point to the lack of survival benefit associated with the close monitoring of tumor markers and other harbingers of early relapse. It is indeed a dilemma, as both physicians and patients are comforted by negative workups and regular followups. It may, in the future, become necessary for patients to assume the costs of their followup visits after an adequate period of time has elapsed. As a rule, for most solid tumors, three years of followup with NED and certainly 5 years of followup with NED, is considered adequate. Despite this, some tumors, among them, ER+ breast cancers can manifest late relapses. This is a particularly controversial area of clinical medicine. While every patient desires close followup, the insurers and those engaged in the field of “evidence-based-medicine” point to the lack of survival benefit associated with the close monitoring of tumor markers and other harbingers of early relapse. It is indeed a dilemma, as both physicians and patients are comforted by negative workups and regular followups. It may, in the future, become necessary for patients to assume the costs of their followup visits after an adequate period of time has elapsed. As a rule, for most solid tumors, three years of followup with NED and certainly 5 years of followup with NED, is considered adequate. Despite this, some tumors, among them, ER+ breast cancers can manifest late relapses.

Dating after cancer isn't really all that scary. Seriously, after being pumped full of poison and having our bodies blasted with radiation, I think most of us can fake our way through an hour or two of coffee and conversation with a potential love interest. Sex after cancer, on the other hand, can be a bit daunting. Especially if you're missing some essential body parts. And all of your hair. And the feeling in what used to be your chest.

What worked for me was to try to "rebuild" myself (paging the bionic woman!), to put myself back together using a wig and fake boobs and makeup. That helped me feel like myself so I felt more confident going out there meeting and interacting with men. But everybody's different so trying to "pass" may not work for everybody. And dating so quickly after treatment (or even amid treatment) may not work for people, either. I was lucky in that I only had four infusions of chemo and I seemed to endure it pretty well (as long as I took my meds, anyway). Same goes for radiation.

If you do feel ready to date, I would say to keep the cancer off the table for the first couple of dates. Don't include it on your profile if you're on an online dating site. Cancer doesn't define you; it's just a crappy phase you're going through. If you don't have a wig or prostheses, you may have to pony up about your situation sooner than a second or third date, but basically, the idea is to share the information only if you feel like it. Or you feel like you want them to know (for instance, if you'd like to continue seeing them).

As for the "reveal" (as I call it), I've found that if I throw it out there in a matter-of-fact way and not inundate the person with a lot of gory details (or emotion), most men will accept it without freaking out too much. In fact, I've found most guys take their cue from me. If I act like it's the end of the world, they will to. But if I just mention it in passing and not make it sound like it's completely destroyed me (even though it did at the time of diagnosis), they won't make a big deal out of it either. I've even had guys tell me that they think my attitude is "amazing" because I'm not breaking down in sobs over my cancer. Obviously, time helps (I was a complete tub of goo on the day I heard I had to have a double mastectomy) but at this point, I'm tired of giving cancer any more tears than it deserves. Quite frankly, I'd like to make it cry for a change.

As for sex, I can't talk too much about this because I'm not seeing anyone steadily. But I have had some pretty good make-out sessions here and there and while I was nervous about getting intimate with a guy at first (will my wig stay on? will he try to touch my fake boobs?), once you start kissing someone you like and connect with, you forget all about the cancer and the wig and the fake boobs and everything else. Your body and your hormones kick in and it's business as usual. My guess is once I get involved with someone, I'll probably wear more lingerie in bed than I did before (at least until I go through reconstruction), but I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to get back on that horse again (so to speak) without too many problems. ; )

I have written a bit about the nuts and bolts of dating with breast cancer on my blog, www.doublewhammied.com. Here's a link, for anyone who's interested: http://doublewhammied.com/2012/01/15/the-carrie-bradshaw-of-breast-cancer/
Dating after cancer isn't really all that scary. Seriously, after being pumped full of poison and having our bodies blasted with radiation, I think most of us can fake our way through an hour or two of coffee and conversation with a potential love interest. Sex after cancer, on the other hand, can be a bit daunting. Especially if you're missing some essential body parts. And all of your hair. And the feeling in what used to be your chest.

What worked for me was to try to "rebuild" myself (paging the bionic woman!), to put myself back together using a wig and fake boobs and makeup. That helped me feel like myself so I felt more confident going out there meeting and interacting with men. But everybody's different so trying to "pass" may not work for everybody. And dating so quickly after treatment (or even amid treatment) may not work for people, either. I was lucky in that I only had four infusions of chemo and I seemed to endure it pretty well (as long as I took my meds, anyway). Same goes for radiation.

If you do feel ready to date, I would say to keep the cancer off the table for the first couple of dates. Don't include it on your profile if you're on an online dating site. Cancer doesn't define you; it's just a crappy phase you're going through. If you don't have a wig or prostheses, you may have to pony up about your situation sooner than a second or third date, but basically, the idea is to share the information only if you feel like it. Or you feel like you want them to know (for instance, if you'd like to continue seeing them).

As for the "reveal" (as I call it), I've found that if I throw it out there in a matter-of-fact way and not inundate the person with a lot of gory details (or emotion), most men will accept it without freaking out too much. In fact, I've found most guys take their cue from me. If I act like it's the end of the world, they will to. But if I just mention it in passing and not make it sound like it's completely destroyed me (even though it did at the time of diagnosis), they won't make a big deal out of it either. I've even had guys tell me that they think my attitude is "amazing" because I'm not breaking down in sobs over my cancer. Obviously, time helps (I was a complete tub of goo on the day I heard I had to have a double mastectomy) but at this point, I'm tired of giving cancer any more tears than it deserves. Quite frankly, I'd like to make it cry for a change.

As for sex, I can't talk too much about this because I'm not seeing anyone steadily. But I have had some pretty good make-out sessions here and there and while I was nervous about getting intimate with a guy at first (will my wig stay on? will he try to touch my fake boobs?), once you start kissing someone you like and connect with, you forget all about the cancer and the wig and the fake boobs and everything else. Your body and your hormones kick in and it's business as usual. My guess is once I get involved with someone, I'll probably wear more lingerie in bed than I did before (at least until I go through reconstruction), but I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to get back on that horse again (so to speak) without too many problems. ; )

I have written a bit about the nuts and bolts of dating with breast cancer on my blog, www.doublewhammied.com. Here's a link, for anyone who's interested: http://doublewhammied.com/2012/01/15/the-carrie-bradshaw-of-breast-cancer/

What a great answer. Look at us validating each other ;-) Seriously though, I think it's important to find a balance. I definitely think it's time you used your spa certificate. You deserve it. Thank you for echoing my need to have conversations outside of the cancer community that have nothing to do with cancer, but also to form friendships within the cancer community that are about so much more than just cancer.
Big hugs to you and keep up the amazing work!
Terri That's a good question! After my mastectomy I felt so driven to give back that I jumped into whatever I could to be of use. I'm also a bit of a workaholic, especially when I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Since I started building the WhereWeGoNow community, I've so enjoyed every contact (in person and virtually) that's it hard for me to remember to pull back sometimes from all cancer all the time.

So, maybe I'm the wrong I person to ask this question. I do know, however, that I relish talking to old and new friends who are not a part of the cancer community. I make it a point to see one of them once every week or two and we have amazing conversations about everything (except cancer.)

My family also keeps me focused on other things. What I should do more of is yoga and "me time" relaxation activities. I got a spa certificate from my husband for my birthday five months ago and have yet to go. I think it's about time, don't you?

I had a problem with this question too. Until about nine months after my mastectomy, I was only aware of and focused on the losses brought to me by cancer. As a result of amazing support (and a lot of oncology therapy) I slowly started to realize that cancer was also bringing gifts into my life. Make no mistake – that didn’t make me grateful for having cancer. But I had to realize that there were things now in my life, solely due to cancer, for which I was deeply grateful.

Because this realization kept bothering me, I had to write it down, and out came my Gifts and Losses List. You can see my list at http://www.wherewegonow.com/gifts-and-losses/debbies-list#. I think the reason I found making the list so healing was because I honestly admitted and appreciated both the gifts and the losses of cancer. I didn’t try to sugarcoat the losses any more than I tried to deny the gifts. By looking at my new life beyond cancer in this way, I found myself truly starting to heal.

It is undeniable that the things you had to give up due to cancer are losses. In my case, I could never have found optimism by denying the pain of their loss. It took some time (remember I said it was nine months after my mastectomy when I wrote the list), but eventually I was able to recognize that pain was only part of what cancer was bringing into my life. By recognizing the gift of gratitude for all the support I received, I was opening myself up to the yin and yang of the entire experience.


If you feel ready, why don’t you try to write your own Gifts and Losses List? No pressure. It’s entirely private and up to you. If you give it a try, I hope you recognize a few people or things in your life solely due to cancer for which you feel gratitude. It’s a small start, but for me the Gifts and Losses list brought some balance back into my life. I had a problem with this question too. Until about nine months after my mastectomy, I was only aware of and focused on the losses brought to me by cancer. As a result of amazing support (and a lot of oncology therapy) I slowly started to realize that cancer was also bringing gifts into my life. Make no mistake – that didn’t make me grateful for having cancer. But I had to realize that there were things now in my life, solely due to cancer, for which I was deeply grateful.

Because this realization kept bothering me, I had to write it down, and out came my Gifts and Losses List. You can see my list at http://www.wherewegonow.com/gifts-and-losses/debbies-list#. I think the reason I found making the list so healing was because I honestly admitted and appreciated both the gifts and the losses of cancer. I didn’t try to sugarcoat the losses any more than I tried to deny the gifts. By looking at my new life beyond cancer in this way, I found myself truly starting to heal.

It is undeniable that the things you had to give up due to cancer are losses. In my case, I could never have found optimism by denying the pain of their loss. It took some time (remember I said it was nine months after my mastectomy when I wrote the list), but eventually I was able to recognize that pain was only part of what cancer was bringing into my life. By recognizing the gift of gratitude for all the support I received, I was opening myself up to the yin and yang of the entire experience.


If you feel ready, why don’t you try to write your own Gifts and Losses List? No pressure. It’s entirely private and up to you. If you give it a try, I hope you recognize a few people or things in your life solely due to cancer for which you feel gratitude. It’s a small start, but for me the Gifts and Losses list brought some balance back into my life.

I am a 9 year survivor of Melanoma. I don't care what anyone says, the knowledge that you had cancer is always in the back of your mind. When confronted, yet again, with a friend, loved one, whatever newly diagnosed person, it brings the knowledge of your own cancer right to the front of the mind! I have found that along with the recommendations of Dr. Attai, that helping the newly diagnosed person is terrifically helpful in assuaging any of my own concerns of a re-occurance of my cancer. Depending on my relationship with the person before their diagnosis, I "get involved". That can mean anything from a phone call that lets them know I understand somewhat what they are going through + an offer to answer any questions or concerns that I can to really getting involved by taking them to treatment, doc, office, appts. I remember that of all the people who drove me back and forth to the infusion center and stayed with me, the ones that were the most helpful and who "got it" were the ones who had been through it themselves. The Cancer Club, I have found, is no club anyone wants to join, but once eligable, the membership is incredibly helpful, empathetic, supportive, and knowledgable. That's a great question. We used to focus on the "magic" 5-year or 10-year mark, and I think we did women a disservice. The risk of recurrence decreases the longer out you are from treatment, but there is always a risk of a new cancer developing, breast or elsewhere. Follow up recommendations will vary depending on the type of cancer, age of the patient, and other factors.

For breast cancer in general for long-term survivors, I recommend an annual clinical exam with your physician, as well as annual imaging (mammogram and possibly MRI depending on breast density and age). In addition, women who have been treated for breast cancer have a slightly higher risk of both colon and ovarian cancer, even if they do not test positive for a BRCA gene mutation, so regular gynecologic checkups and colonoscopy are also recommended.

In addition, I do recommend that women (and men) who have been treated for cancer take general good care of themselves! Maintaining a healthy weight, following a good balanced diet with moderation in alcohol intake, and obtaining regular exercise will not only help reduce the risk of other cancers developing, but these lifestyle factors will help reduce the risk of heart disease, which is actually more lethal for women than breast cancer. Also don't underestimate the role of chronic stress as a contributing factor to all disease states, so I do recommend that most patients try to incorporate some stress-reduction techniques into their daily routine. These last recommendations are not very high-tech, but can certainly be quite effective!