Survivor Experiences

There is one big psychosocial issue with me since I looked my mortality square in the eye: How I view myself and how I view my relationship with others.

How I do it since cancer is only different in that I am more keen to how I relate to the people in my life and how they relate to me. I yo yo on how to stay at peace with myself and the people I have a difficult time with. It’s harder since cancer, at least with one friend who, because of her personal issues has not been able to support me through this life-changing experience (not to mention, she just drives me crazy though has very good traits).

Then there are family dynamics (like so many folks, I have had less than normal family circumstances). I question whether it is healthy for me to stay close to family and friends who just stress me out. This leads to the second part of my big psychosocial issue: how I view myself. When I think about distancing myself from the people who upset me over and over, I wonder if I am being too selfish.

Also on how I view me: I was always aware of the things I want to change about myself, as I relate to the people I care about, especially my family. I have made a lot of mistakes with my daughter. I am even more sensitive to how much I want to change. I am especially sensitive to not being as successful at it at it when I fall back in very difficult situations. But then again, I am even more keen now to the reality that every day is a new chance to get back up. There is one big psychosocial issue with me since I looked my mortality square in the eye: How I view myself and how I view my relationship with others.

How I do it since cancer is only different in that I am more keen to how I relate to the people in my life and how they relate to me. I yo yo on how to stay at peace with myself and the people I have a difficult time with. It’s harder since cancer, at least with one friend who, because of her personal issues has not been able to support me through this life-changing experience (not to mention, she just drives me crazy though has very good traits).

Then there are family dynamics (like so many folks, I have had less than normal family circumstances). I question whether it is healthy for me to stay close to family and friends who just stress me out. This leads to the second part of my big psychosocial issue: how I view myself. When I think about distancing myself from the people who upset me over and over, I wonder if I am being too selfish.

Also on how I view me: I was always aware of the things I want to change about myself, as I relate to the people I care about, especially my family. I have made a lot of mistakes with my daughter. I am even more sensitive to how much I want to change. I am especially sensitive to not being as successful at it at it when I fall back in very difficult situations. But then again, I am even more keen now to the reality that every day is a new chance to get back up.

hi, my first diagnosis was stage 3 c, my first recurrence was to internal mammary nodes so still stage 3 c, second recurrence was metastatic to liver (stage 4) - because of the nature of Inflammatory Breast cancer we knew recurrence was likely so although we were upset and disappointed we also didnt get a complete shock with it either. After first recurrence they were scanning regualarly every 4-6 months because they were expecting it to come back again and because we knew that too it made it easier in a way when it did happen. We tend to have a 'it is what it is' attitude and try just to make the best of the time I have left - they are going for control not cure. doesnt mean I dont get down sometimes but I'm not going to waste too much time feeling sorry for myself. I actually think its harder for early stage people that have recurrences psychologically because there is a more definitive expectation of complete cure I have had 3 primary breast cancers, so have faced this issue twice. In retrospect, the two most difficult parts of facing my recurrence was 1. the fear of the unknown before I ever had a recurrence and 2. the "PTSD" that got triggered. I had many panic attacks and all that emotional turmoil was unbearable. That was for the 2nd occurrence. Basically, my worst-ever- nightmare had just come true, and I'd been so terrified of it happening that it probably made things harder to deal with. Going through the 2nd occurrence made me see that I could face my worst nightmare and come out ok on the other side.... The hardest thing about the 3rd time was that I'd just started getting my life sort of on track after #2 and felt completely hijacked. I've had to start over from scratch 3 times, and it is not easy. All that disruption, especially when you're young and single and trying to get your career on... not fun. I was dx'd with Stage 1 each time and I imagine women with mets might have a different point of view.

Cancer changes everything. It just does. Everything and everyone in my life has been at least somewhat influenced by my cancer diagnosis. That's my answer in a nutshell. Well, at the cost of sounding too cliché, I think I have realized that life is so precious and that we are only on the earth for a finite number of years. I try to keep in mind that if today was the day I was supposed to die, that I made yesterday worth living. In other words, I am trying to enjoy the day to day small victories and the simple pleasantries in life. I am also trying not to pass up any opportunity that will make me a better person. I am still planning for the future however I think I’ve started living for the present which is something that I didn’t necessarily do prior my diagnosis. I was so worried about the next week, next month, and next year instead of focusing on right now. Cancer has taught me that there may not be a next week so make this week worth living.

I like to laugh and even more I like to make other people laugh. I was voted ‘funniest female’ in our graduating year of high school and I take pride in that (in fact, I think I had it on my resume for a while [I'm not even joking]). Any time I have faced something hard in life, I usually turn to humour. I have three different instances that still make me laugh when I retell the story.

1. I shaved my head 9 days after my first chemo. I wanted to have some control over losing my hair so after donating as much as I could (about 12 inches) and sporting a short style for a few weeks, I decided to shave it to avoid it coming out in clumps. I wasn’t sure how I was going to react but I loved it. I mean, yes, I wish I had hair but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a shaved head and now I know. Once I stood up to look in the mirror, my boyfriend couldn’t get me back in the chair to do final touches because I was too busy walking around the kitchen letting the air graze through my scalp. I wasn't emotional about losing my hair and instead we just kept laughing because the air felt so good skimming my scalp and my boyfriend could not get me back in the chair to finish up.

2. After chemo #5, I ended up in Emerg. because of a fever that wouldn’t stop climbing. I put the gown on so that it would open at the front. The nurse came in and said ”You have that on backwards”, I said “You don’t want to see my boobs?” in an almost disappointed way. She said “You’re here for a fever, we don’t need to see your breasts”. I took it off and put the opening at the back. I was so used to doctors wanting to see my breasts, I just assumed, fever or not, that this doctor would want to see them too.

3. My sister-in-law’s mother (my niece and nephew’s grandma) had been diagnosed within a year before me and had chemo and radiation, so these kids were not new to the whole breast cancer thing. At my niece’s 4th birthday dinner, we were all sitting around the table and she randomly said, “Uncle Keith’s [my bf] a boy.” and I said, “No, Uncle Keith’s a girl.” She said, “Well, he’s got a boy hair cut.” She had me there. In trying to prepare them for me losing my hair, I said “Auntie Katie is going to cut her hair like Uncle Keith really soon.” My 6 year old nephew pipes up, without missing a beat and says “No, it’s going to fall out.” All 6 of us adults just burst into laughter. To him, it wasn't a big deal, Auntie Katie is still Auntie Katie, with or without hair, he just said it so matter-a-factly. I like to laugh and even more I like to make other people laugh. I was voted ‘funniest female’ in our graduating year of high school and I take pride in that (in fact, I think I had it on my resume for a while [I'm not even joking]). Any time I have faced something hard in life, I usually turn to humour. I have three different instances that still make me laugh when I retell the story.

1. I shaved my head 9 days after my first chemo. I wanted to have some control over losing my hair so after donating as much as I could (about 12 inches) and sporting a short style for a few weeks, I decided to shave it to avoid it coming out in clumps. I wasn’t sure how I was going to react but I loved it. I mean, yes, I wish I had hair but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a shaved head and now I know. Once I stood up to look in the mirror, my boyfriend couldn’t get me back in the chair to do final touches because I was too busy walking around the kitchen letting the air graze through my scalp. I wasn't emotional about losing my hair and instead we just kept laughing because the air felt so good skimming my scalp and my boyfriend could not get me back in the chair to finish up.

2. After chemo #5, I ended up in Emerg. because of a fever that wouldn’t stop climbing. I put the gown on so that it would open at the front. The nurse came in and said ”You have that on backwards”, I said “You don’t want to see my boobs?” in an almost disappointed way. She said “You’re here for a fever, we don’t need to see your breasts”. I took it off and put the opening at the back. I was so used to doctors wanting to see my breasts, I just assumed, fever or not, that this doctor would want to see them too.

3. My sister-in-law’s mother (my niece and nephew’s grandma) had been diagnosed within a year before me and had chemo and radiation, so these kids were not new to the whole breast cancer thing. At my niece’s 4th birthday dinner, we were all sitting around the table and she randomly said, “Uncle Keith’s [my bf] a boy.” and I said, “No, Uncle Keith’s a girl.” She said, “Well, he’s got a boy hair cut.” She had me there. In trying to prepare them for me losing my hair, I said “Auntie Katie is going to cut her hair like Uncle Keith really soon.” My 6 year old nephew pipes up, without missing a beat and says “No, it’s going to fall out.” All 6 of us adults just burst into laughter. To him, it wasn't a big deal, Auntie Katie is still Auntie Katie, with or without hair, he just said it so matter-a-factly.