Spouse Communication

Cool MarySClem, that you found a way to compromise with each other! Yes, Carol, my separation was definitely related to the breast cancer. There were other issues but dealing with cancer amplified all of the other issues. I think there was resentment when I was in active treatment even though I **thought** my husband was supportive. Looking back, I see how many times I had to rely upon myself or others when I should have been able to lean upon him.

When active treatment was over, he announced that I no longer had cancer and he no longer wanted to ever hear about cancer again. Great for him but how does one "finish cancer." The answer, You don't. There is no cure. Survivors get it. Others may not. Daily reminders (seeing scars) and doctor appointments (several different doctors) throughout the year make it impossible to just forget. Again, "we" get it. Others may struggle.

We are communicating now on a somewhat deeper level. I stepped into an advocacy role and I do this for the sake of my daughter and the next generation. This may complicate any attempts at reconciling but I am remaining true to myself.

Would be happy to talk privately if you wish....

AnneMarie

Cancer is a disease of both the individual and their families. Spouses, parents, children, and significant others are profoundly affected by the diagnosis. The first step in helping our spouses/significant others to grasp the emotional changes we've been through is to understand that although it may be difficult for them to express their own feelings, in the majority of cases, they care very deeply about what has and is happening to us.

Unfortunately, just as our diagnosis was a shock to us, most often spouses and family members are tossed into the caregiving role without warning and without the necessary communication skills that are so important for providing compassionate care. Our loved ones may also be so affected about what is happening to themselves in relation to what is happening to us that their focus is inward or expressed inappropriately. For example, a spouse or loved one may be very angry about the cancer diagnosis and treatment and inadvertently project the anger towards you. Fear also underlies blocked communication and your loved ones may be afraid that they cannot meet emotional needs or provide adequate comfort. These factors often put the responsibility of effective communication on the shoulders of the individual who is experiencing the cancer. We must be able to identify our own emotional needs and then take responsibility for communicating these needs to our loved ones.

In a practical sense identifying our needs begins with "I" statements to our loved ones, such as "I want" or "I feel" or "I think." Being clear and clarifying our needs is important with statements such as "I sometimes feel frustrated when my hands ache from neuropathy and I'm unable to do the chores around the house, therefore I need you to help me." Asking your loved ones if they understand your needs is also important. An example might be, "I keep asking myself if I should share my diagnosis with my parents. What do you think?"

Finally of course, we must be receptive to the feedback that our loved ones communicate and also be receptive to their help and support without being defensive. It is a challenge for our loved ones to grasp the emotional changes we've been through when they are going through their own changes at the same time. Once a cancer is diagnosed the repercussions reverberate throughout every relationship--spouse to spouse or individual to individual. Therefore, the first step is clear understanding of these changes through effective communication. Besides taking the responsibility on ourselves alone there are support networks and support groups that can also help your loved ones understand the journey you are taking by listening and being informed by others. Cancer is a disease of both the individual and their families. Spouses, parents, children, and significant others are profoundly affected by the diagnosis. The first step in helping our spouses/significant others to grasp the emotional changes we've been through is to understand that although it may be difficult for them to express their own feelings, in the majority of cases, they care very deeply about what has and is happening to us.

Unfortunately, just as our diagnosis was a shock to us, most often spouses and family members are tossed into the caregiving role without warning and without the necessary communication skills that are so important for providing compassionate care. Our loved ones may also be so affected about what is happening to themselves in relation to what is happening to us that their focus is inward or expressed inappropriately. For example, a spouse or loved one may be very angry about the cancer diagnosis and treatment and inadvertently project the anger towards you. Fear also underlies blocked communication and your loved ones may be afraid that they cannot meet emotional needs or provide adequate comfort. These factors often put the responsibility of effective communication on the shoulders of the individual who is experiencing the cancer. We must be able to identify our own emotional needs and then take responsibility for communicating these needs to our loved ones.

In a practical sense identifying our needs begins with "I" statements to our loved ones, such as "I want" or "I feel" or "I think." Being clear and clarifying our needs is important with statements such as "I sometimes feel frustrated when my hands ache from neuropathy and I'm unable to do the chores around the house, therefore I need you to help me." Asking your loved ones if they understand your needs is also important. An example might be, "I keep asking myself if I should share my diagnosis with my parents. What do you think?"

Finally of course, we must be receptive to the feedback that our loved ones communicate and also be receptive to their help and support without being defensive. It is a challenge for our loved ones to grasp the emotional changes we've been through when they are going through their own changes at the same time. Once a cancer is diagnosed the repercussions reverberate throughout every relationship--spouse to spouse or individual to individual. Therefore, the first step is clear understanding of these changes through effective communication. Besides taking the responsibility on ourselves alone there are support networks and support groups that can also help your loved ones understand the journey you are taking by listening and being informed by others.

The simple answer is yes, my marriage changed profoundly, and for the better: but (you knew that was coming!) there was a huge price to pay. It is no joke when I say that "only the first 25 years were hard." We had a great marriage, forged in the fires of affliction, courtesy of two bouts with cancer, two unrelated hospitalizations for depression, and all of the struggle and strife necessary to prevail. One recurring theme was the spastic nature of our intimate life, which sprang from his history of emotional neglect, and my history of abuse, which we periodically addressed privately and therapeutically, with uneven success.
We faced my second bout with breast cancer with steely determination, expecting to emerge stronger for it in a few weeks, just like the first time 13 year prior. We DID emerge stronger, but not in weeks! The eruption of PTSD, triggered by the tearing of my flesh during reconstructive surgery, hurled us onto a turbulent unknown. Initially we had a surprisingly joyous reunion, completely free of the anxiety and dread that had haunted our bedroom. My delight in my newly girlish figure more than compensated for the loss of physical pleasure.
Unfortunately, with time and familiarity, old patterns returned and we resumed our miserable pas de deus, only now it was more angry and desperate.
That was four years ago, and since then we have recommitted ourselves to the hard work of facing our fears, forgiving wrongs, and opening up to each other more radically than ever. This has created a sacred space for us to discover each other anew.
That is a long answer, which I am happy to expand if you want more details.
My life is an open book!

The simple answer is yes, my marriage changed profoundly, and for the better: but (you knew that was coming!) there was a huge price to pay. It is no joke when I say that "only the first 25 years were hard." We had a great marriage, forged in the fires of affliction, courtesy of two bouts with cancer, two unrelated hospitalizations for depression, and all of the struggle and strife necessary to prevail. One recurring theme was the spastic nature of our intimate life, which sprang from his history of emotional neglect, and my history of abuse, which we periodically addressed privately and therapeutically, with uneven success.
We faced my second bout with breast cancer with steely determination, expecting to emerge stronger for it in a few weeks, just like the first time 13 year prior. We DID emerge stronger, but not in weeks! The eruption of PTSD, triggered by the tearing of my flesh during reconstructive surgery, hurled us onto a turbulent unknown. Initially we had a surprisingly joyous reunion, completely free of the anxiety and dread that had haunted our bedroom. My delight in my newly girlish figure more than compensated for the loss of physical pleasure.
Unfortunately, with time and familiarity, old patterns returned and we resumed our miserable pas de deus, only now it was more angry and desperate.
That was four years ago, and since then we have recommitted ourselves to the hard work of facing our fears, forgiving wrongs, and opening up to each other more radically than ever. This has created a sacred space for us to discover each other anew.
That is a long answer, which I am happy to expand if you want more details.
My life is an open book!

Like dlebleu, I was also lucky to have my partner of now 27 years by my side through my diagnosis. Fortunately for us we had established a great relationship of communicating over the years that helps us through any difficult time. That skill served us well during our battle with breast cancer. My advice would be to talk it out and talk through it. Share your feelings and your fears and remember that even though you might personally be dealing with cancer, your partner is dealing with a lot too. They are concerned about your well being, your medical care, and often take on additional duties around the house. Sometimes they might need to talk to someone besides you to express their feelings. Organizations like the Cancer Support Community and Men Against Breast Cancer offer support for caregivers and could be what your partner needs if they are having a difficult time. Like dlebleu, I was also lucky to have my partner of now 27 years by my side through my diagnosis. Fortunately for us we had established a great relationship of communicating over the years that helps us through any difficult time. That skill served us well during our battle with breast cancer. My advice would be to talk it out and talk through it. Share your feelings and your fears and remember that even though you might personally be dealing with cancer, your partner is dealing with a lot too. They are concerned about your well being, your medical care, and often take on additional duties around the house. Sometimes they might need to talk to someone besides you to express their feelings. Organizations like the Cancer Support Community and Men Against Breast Cancer offer support for caregivers and could be what your partner needs if they are having a difficult time.