Single Woman

Hi Rachel! Now that know who you are, I'll be glad to. For anyone else reading this, Rachel Pappas is a cancer survivor and has a website called www.1UpOnCancer.com. The site is informative and has a variety of helpful topics, including a page I loved about plain old humor!

Now to answer that great Question:

This is not an easy question to answer for me, although at my age, you might have thought otherwise. With age comes experience of many things cancer, but this one topic is a lightning rod for any age, I believe. My experience has taught me two things:

1. All people, including men, have "baggage". If you don't find this out early, their weakness (wherever that may come from), will fall on you. I hope you get what I'm saying here. We, as survivors, think of ourselves as the "weak" one, when in fact it is imperative to make sure you know the person frontward and backwards. Regard yourself in the highest esteem, and you won't fall prey easily to someone who can hurt you further. The sex part is just the culmination of a great relationship, or should be, expecially being a cancer survivor. At this point in the game, who of us needs more pain?

2. If you find a your "Calvin" (the good guy/significant other), then it's time for you to make sure YOU are ready. Are you? Write down all your fears and assessments of yourself: i.e. If you are repulsed by your own image (secretly) of scars, etc., more than likely that innermost self-hatred will carry over and "reveal itself" to your partner (not a good thing), will surprise and scare them. They will think it's them that is causing you the pain. Confusion like that is unnecessary. I have sabotaged relationships because of internal fears, when I should have just let that person love me like they wanted to.

Finally, sex after treatment can be painful. Be sure to have "the talk" with the other person. Be honest and open about the fact you yourself may not know how your body is going to react to touch, sensation, intercourse. I've found that my body goes through "phases" dependant upon my stress levels, emotions from family and social environment, nutritional challenges, medications. These all have an effect on our body and will eventually effect sexual relationships. It's a juggling act, if there ever was one. But I have faith in it.

I will suggest a book that is a great guide for any survivor. I did a review on my site of it. It is The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. Chapter 10- The New Single Woman, covers this exact issue.

To quote in part "...

Relationship
1. Know what you want to say and practice saying it
2. Be honest
3. Put yourself in the potential partner's place

Before sex
1. Tell about the cancer treatment
2. Have realistic expectations; sex for the first time is not always that great."

In the book there are great guides also about lubricants, medications, both herbal and pharma, that may help you whether you are sexually active or not.

I hope you found this helpful, and yes, Rachel you may use this on your site. Just please be sure to give credit to Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz if you quote their part. Thanks! (They sent me my print copy for review, and I found it so personally helpful). My review of the book should still be "featured" on my site Home Page, if you'd like to take a look. Hi Rachel! Now that know who you are, I'll be glad to. For anyone else reading this, Rachel Pappas is a cancer survivor and has a website called www.1UpOnCancer.com. The site is informative and has a variety of helpful topics, including a page I loved about plain old humor!

Now to answer that great Question:

This is not an easy question to answer for me, although at my age, you might have thought otherwise. With age comes experience of many things cancer, but this one topic is a lightning rod for any age, I believe. My experience has taught me two things:

1. All people, including men, have "baggage". If you don't find this out early, their weakness (wherever that may come from), will fall on you. I hope you get what I'm saying here. We, as survivors, think of ourselves as the "weak" one, when in fact it is imperative to make sure you know the person frontward and backwards. Regard yourself in the highest esteem, and you won't fall prey easily to someone who can hurt you further. The sex part is just the culmination of a great relationship, or should be, expecially being a cancer survivor. At this point in the game, who of us needs more pain?

2. If you find a your "Calvin" (the good guy/significant other), then it's time for you to make sure YOU are ready. Are you? Write down all your fears and assessments of yourself: i.e. If you are repulsed by your own image (secretly) of scars, etc., more than likely that innermost self-hatred will carry over and "reveal itself" to your partner (not a good thing), will surprise and scare them. They will think it's them that is causing you the pain. Confusion like that is unnecessary. I have sabotaged relationships because of internal fears, when I should have just let that person love me like they wanted to.

Finally, sex after treatment can be painful. Be sure to have "the talk" with the other person. Be honest and open about the fact you yourself may not know how your body is going to react to touch, sensation, intercourse. I've found that my body goes through "phases" dependant upon my stress levels, emotions from family and social environment, nutritional challenges, medications. These all have an effect on our body and will eventually effect sexual relationships. It's a juggling act, if there ever was one. But I have faith in it.

I will suggest a book that is a great guide for any survivor. I did a review on my site of it. It is The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. Chapter 10- The New Single Woman, covers this exact issue.

To quote in part "...

Relationship
1. Know what you want to say and practice saying it
2. Be honest
3. Put yourself in the potential partner's place

Before sex
1. Tell about the cancer treatment
2. Have realistic expectations; sex for the first time is not always that great."

In the book there are great guides also about lubricants, medications, both herbal and pharma, that may help you whether you are sexually active or not.

I hope you found this helpful, and yes, Rachel you may use this on your site. Just please be sure to give credit to Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz if you quote their part. Thanks! (They sent me my print copy for review, and I found it so personally helpful). My review of the book should still be "featured" on my site Home Page, if you'd like to take a look.

I've been single for most of my adult life and have even developed a bit of a writing platform regarding the single life with a book (How to Date in a Post-Dating World), an anthology of essays (Single State of the Union) and a humor column (Single Shot), published by the now-defunct Seattle P-I.

For me, singledom is a natural state. Instead of being cloistered away as one half of a couple, I have a huge circle of friends -- people I've worked with, people I've gone to school with, fellow writers, gal pals, neighborhood buddies, drinking buddies, old boyfriends, sources that turned into friends, the list goes on and on. I also have four sisters, all of whom I'm close with. I had so many people I needed to tell about the breast cancer, in fact, I eventually started an email newsletter (the Cancertown Gazette). And then a blog (www.doublewhammied.com).

My sisters probably did most of the heavy lifting when it came to day-to-day support during my breast cancer treatment. They were there for me before and after surgery, even helping me with drain duty (and an apartment makeover). They also went to some of the early doctors' appointments (when things were still very dark and raw and scary), talked with me daily via phone, sat through a couple of sessions of chemo (and chemo recovery) with me and prepared a ton of meals for my freezer. My friends were equally supportive, doing everything from bringing me food (pie! lasagna! homemade soup!) to giving me lifts to radiation to sending flowers and other gifts to taking me on weekend getaways. Friends and family both chipped in financially to help me pay for a wig made from my own hair (and those are not cheap). They also stayed in contact with me regularly, took me for walks when the chemo knocked the legs out from under me, and in general, made me feel loved and appreciated and cared for at all times.

In addition to friends and family, I got a lot of support and info from other breast cancer survivors, including one woman (a friend of a friend) who gave me her prostheses (she'd only used them for about two weeks before she went through reconstruction) and my first pocketed bra. The breast cancer community on Twitter was another great place to connect with men and women going through the same (or similar) experiences. As a single person (and a journalist), I'm used to reaching out to others and the people on Twitter have been incredible. Ditto for my Facebook friends (although I didn't officially "come out" on Facebook until I was almost through with treatment).

To be honest, I don't think I would have received as much support and love and help if I were married. That's a tremendous burden for one person to shoulder which is why so many marriages buckle and break under the pressure of a cancer diagnosis. If anything, I feel like I grew closer to my friends and family (and even some heretofore casual acquaintances) after going through this cancer crap together. And if any of them ever has to go through something similar, I'm there (even if it means drain duty).

One last thing ... I can't help but feel that the fact that I've been single and self-sufficient for a long time was a huge boon to my recovery. While I did receive a lot of support from friends and family and Twitter buddies, etc., most of the strength/support came from within. I was the one who got myself up off the couch to go for walks and runs after surgery and during chemo and rads. I was the one who showed up for tap dance class while still wearing my drains. Not having one person to lean on made me lean on myself, which is what all of us -- ultimately -- need to do. I tried to be my own best friend and my own best advocate and I think it made a big difference with regard to kicking cancer's sorry ass. I've been single for most of my adult life and have even developed a bit of a writing platform regarding the single life with a book (How to Date in a Post-Dating World), an anthology of essays (Single State of the Union) and a humor column (Single Shot), published by the now-defunct Seattle P-I.

For me, singledom is a natural state. Instead of being cloistered away as one half of a couple, I have a huge circle of friends -- people I've worked with, people I've gone to school with, fellow writers, gal pals, neighborhood buddies, drinking buddies, old boyfriends, sources that turned into friends, the list goes on and on. I also have four sisters, all of whom I'm close with. I had so many people I needed to tell about the breast cancer, in fact, I eventually started an email newsletter (the Cancertown Gazette). And then a blog (www.doublewhammied.com).

My sisters probably did most of the heavy lifting when it came to day-to-day support during my breast cancer treatment. They were there for me before and after surgery, even helping me with drain duty (and an apartment makeover). They also went to some of the early doctors' appointments (when things were still very dark and raw and scary), talked with me daily via phone, sat through a couple of sessions of chemo (and chemo recovery) with me and prepared a ton of meals for my freezer. My friends were equally supportive, doing everything from bringing me food (pie! lasagna! homemade soup!) to giving me lifts to radiation to sending flowers and other gifts to taking me on weekend getaways. Friends and family both chipped in financially to help me pay for a wig made from my own hair (and those are not cheap). They also stayed in contact with me regularly, took me for walks when the chemo knocked the legs out from under me, and in general, made me feel loved and appreciated and cared for at all times.

In addition to friends and family, I got a lot of support and info from other breast cancer survivors, including one woman (a friend of a friend) who gave me her prostheses (she'd only used them for about two weeks before she went through reconstruction) and my first pocketed bra. The breast cancer community on Twitter was another great place to connect with men and women going through the same (or similar) experiences. As a single person (and a journalist), I'm used to reaching out to others and the people on Twitter have been incredible. Ditto for my Facebook friends (although I didn't officially "come out" on Facebook until I was almost through with treatment).

To be honest, I don't think I would have received as much support and love and help if I were married. That's a tremendous burden for one person to shoulder which is why so many marriages buckle and break under the pressure of a cancer diagnosis. If anything, I feel like I grew closer to my friends and family (and even some heretofore casual acquaintances) after going through this cancer crap together. And if any of them ever has to go through something similar, I'm there (even if it means drain duty).

One last thing ... I can't help but feel that the fact that I've been single and self-sufficient for a long time was a huge boon to my recovery. While I did receive a lot of support from friends and family and Twitter buddies, etc., most of the strength/support came from within. I was the one who got myself up off the couch to go for walks and runs after surgery and during chemo and rads. I was the one who showed up for tap dance class while still wearing my drains. Not having one person to lean on made me lean on myself, which is what all of us -- ultimately -- need to do. I tried to be my own best friend and my own best advocate and I think it made a big difference with regard to kicking cancer's sorry ass.