Romantic Relationships

Hi Rachel! Now that know who you are, I'll be glad to. For anyone else reading this, Rachel Pappas is a cancer survivor and has a website called www.1UpOnCancer.com. The site is informative and has a variety of helpful topics, including a page I loved about plain old humor!

Now to answer that great Question:

This is not an easy question to answer for me, although at my age, you might have thought otherwise. With age comes experience of many things cancer, but this one topic is a lightning rod for any age, I believe. My experience has taught me two things:

1. All people, including men, have "baggage". If you don't find this out early, their weakness (wherever that may come from), will fall on you. I hope you get what I'm saying here. We, as survivors, think of ourselves as the "weak" one, when in fact it is imperative to make sure you know the person frontward and backwards. Regard yourself in the highest esteem, and you won't fall prey easily to someone who can hurt you further. The sex part is just the culmination of a great relationship, or should be, expecially being a cancer survivor. At this point in the game, who of us needs more pain?

2. If you find a your "Calvin" (the good guy/significant other), then it's time for you to make sure YOU are ready. Are you? Write down all your fears and assessments of yourself: i.e. If you are repulsed by your own image (secretly) of scars, etc., more than likely that innermost self-hatred will carry over and "reveal itself" to your partner (not a good thing), will surprise and scare them. They will think it's them that is causing you the pain. Confusion like that is unnecessary. I have sabotaged relationships because of internal fears, when I should have just let that person love me like they wanted to.

Finally, sex after treatment can be painful. Be sure to have "the talk" with the other person. Be honest and open about the fact you yourself may not know how your body is going to react to touch, sensation, intercourse. I've found that my body goes through "phases" dependant upon my stress levels, emotions from family and social environment, nutritional challenges, medications. These all have an effect on our body and will eventually effect sexual relationships. It's a juggling act, if there ever was one. But I have faith in it.

I will suggest a book that is a great guide for any survivor. I did a review on my site of it. It is The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. Chapter 10- The New Single Woman, covers this exact issue.

To quote in part "...

Relationship
1. Know what you want to say and practice saying it
2. Be honest
3. Put yourself in the potential partner's place

Before sex
1. Tell about the cancer treatment
2. Have realistic expectations; sex for the first time is not always that great."

In the book there are great guides also about lubricants, medications, both herbal and pharma, that may help you whether you are sexually active or not.

I hope you found this helpful, and yes, Rachel you may use this on your site. Just please be sure to give credit to Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz if you quote their part. Thanks! (They sent me my print copy for review, and I found it so personally helpful). My review of the book should still be "featured" on my site Home Page, if you'd like to take a look. Hi Rachel! Now that know who you are, I'll be glad to. For anyone else reading this, Rachel Pappas is a cancer survivor and has a website called www.1UpOnCancer.com. The site is informative and has a variety of helpful topics, including a page I loved about plain old humor!

Now to answer that great Question:

This is not an easy question to answer for me, although at my age, you might have thought otherwise. With age comes experience of many things cancer, but this one topic is a lightning rod for any age, I believe. My experience has taught me two things:

1. All people, including men, have "baggage". If you don't find this out early, their weakness (wherever that may come from), will fall on you. I hope you get what I'm saying here. We, as survivors, think of ourselves as the "weak" one, when in fact it is imperative to make sure you know the person frontward and backwards. Regard yourself in the highest esteem, and you won't fall prey easily to someone who can hurt you further. The sex part is just the culmination of a great relationship, or should be, expecially being a cancer survivor. At this point in the game, who of us needs more pain?

2. If you find a your "Calvin" (the good guy/significant other), then it's time for you to make sure YOU are ready. Are you? Write down all your fears and assessments of yourself: i.e. If you are repulsed by your own image (secretly) of scars, etc., more than likely that innermost self-hatred will carry over and "reveal itself" to your partner (not a good thing), will surprise and scare them. They will think it's them that is causing you the pain. Confusion like that is unnecessary. I have sabotaged relationships because of internal fears, when I should have just let that person love me like they wanted to.

Finally, sex after treatment can be painful. Be sure to have "the talk" with the other person. Be honest and open about the fact you yourself may not know how your body is going to react to touch, sensation, intercourse. I've found that my body goes through "phases" dependant upon my stress levels, emotions from family and social environment, nutritional challenges, medications. These all have an effect on our body and will eventually effect sexual relationships. It's a juggling act, if there ever was one. But I have faith in it.

I will suggest a book that is a great guide for any survivor. I did a review on my site of it. It is The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. Chapter 10- The New Single Woman, covers this exact issue.

To quote in part "...

Relationship
1. Know what you want to say and practice saying it
2. Be honest
3. Put yourself in the potential partner's place

Before sex
1. Tell about the cancer treatment
2. Have realistic expectations; sex for the first time is not always that great."

In the book there are great guides also about lubricants, medications, both herbal and pharma, that may help you whether you are sexually active or not.

I hope you found this helpful, and yes, Rachel you may use this on your site. Just please be sure to give credit to Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz if you quote their part. Thanks! (They sent me my print copy for review, and I found it so personally helpful). My review of the book should still be "featured" on my site Home Page, if you'd like to take a look.

I would like to approach this from another angle. IF you have not yet had your mastectomy, you may wish to discuss with your doctor options that leave you with natural looking reconstructed breasts and minimal scars. If you qualify for a nipple sparing mastectomy or sugical access via the inframmamory fold, your concerns with an intimate partner can be minimized. However, if this is not possible, know that you are still beautiful on the inside, outside and everywhere inbetween, and likely post cancer you have such a love for life that a few scars really will not matter to a mate....you will be simply irresistable! This is a minefield!! Post mastectomy with reconstruction I am GREAT. In Clothes. I am separated and have been for over a year. The thought of being intimate with anyone is terrifying. Allowing another person to see the battle scars in an intimate setting, I don't know how you get past that. I have more questions than answers but I think I just wanted you to know you are by NO MEANS alone with these thoughts. Without getting x rated, I would think a casual fling might create more of an issue than being intimate on an emotional level with someone. OK.... this just may be as far as I can take this thought....... Just know, you are not alone. For what that is worth...... Many of us feel the same way.