Relationships

Hi Rachel! Now that know who you are, I'll be glad to. For anyone else reading this, Rachel Pappas is a cancer survivor and has a website called www.1UpOnCancer.com. The site is informative and has a variety of helpful topics, including a page I loved about plain old humor!

Now to answer that great Question:

This is not an easy question to answer for me, although at my age, you might have thought otherwise. With age comes experience of many things cancer, but this one topic is a lightning rod for any age, I believe. My experience has taught me two things:

1. All people, including men, have "baggage". If you don't find this out early, their weakness (wherever that may come from), will fall on you. I hope you get what I'm saying here. We, as survivors, think of ourselves as the "weak" one, when in fact it is imperative to make sure you know the person frontward and backwards. Regard yourself in the highest esteem, and you won't fall prey easily to someone who can hurt you further. The sex part is just the culmination of a great relationship, or should be, expecially being a cancer survivor. At this point in the game, who of us needs more pain?

2. If you find a your "Calvin" (the good guy/significant other), then it's time for you to make sure YOU are ready. Are you? Write down all your fears and assessments of yourself: i.e. If you are repulsed by your own image (secretly) of scars, etc., more than likely that innermost self-hatred will carry over and "reveal itself" to your partner (not a good thing), will surprise and scare them. They will think it's them that is causing you the pain. Confusion like that is unnecessary. I have sabotaged relationships because of internal fears, when I should have just let that person love me like they wanted to.

Finally, sex after treatment can be painful. Be sure to have "the talk" with the other person. Be honest and open about the fact you yourself may not know how your body is going to react to touch, sensation, intercourse. I've found that my body goes through "phases" dependant upon my stress levels, emotions from family and social environment, nutritional challenges, medications. These all have an effect on our body and will eventually effect sexual relationships. It's a juggling act, if there ever was one. But I have faith in it.

I will suggest a book that is a great guide for any survivor. I did a review on my site of it. It is The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. Chapter 10- The New Single Woman, covers this exact issue.

To quote in part "...

Relationship
1. Know what you want to say and practice saying it
2. Be honest
3. Put yourself in the potential partner's place

Before sex
1. Tell about the cancer treatment
2. Have realistic expectations; sex for the first time is not always that great."

In the book there are great guides also about lubricants, medications, both herbal and pharma, that may help you whether you are sexually active or not.

I hope you found this helpful, and yes, Rachel you may use this on your site. Just please be sure to give credit to Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz if you quote their part. Thanks! (They sent me my print copy for review, and I found it so personally helpful). My review of the book should still be "featured" on my site Home Page, if you'd like to take a look. Hi Rachel! Now that know who you are, I'll be glad to. For anyone else reading this, Rachel Pappas is a cancer survivor and has a website called www.1UpOnCancer.com. The site is informative and has a variety of helpful topics, including a page I loved about plain old humor!

Now to answer that great Question:

This is not an easy question to answer for me, although at my age, you might have thought otherwise. With age comes experience of many things cancer, but this one topic is a lightning rod for any age, I believe. My experience has taught me two things:

1. All people, including men, have "baggage". If you don't find this out early, their weakness (wherever that may come from), will fall on you. I hope you get what I'm saying here. We, as survivors, think of ourselves as the "weak" one, when in fact it is imperative to make sure you know the person frontward and backwards. Regard yourself in the highest esteem, and you won't fall prey easily to someone who can hurt you further. The sex part is just the culmination of a great relationship, or should be, expecially being a cancer survivor. At this point in the game, who of us needs more pain?

2. If you find a your "Calvin" (the good guy/significant other), then it's time for you to make sure YOU are ready. Are you? Write down all your fears and assessments of yourself: i.e. If you are repulsed by your own image (secretly) of scars, etc., more than likely that innermost self-hatred will carry over and "reveal itself" to your partner (not a good thing), will surprise and scare them. They will think it's them that is causing you the pain. Confusion like that is unnecessary. I have sabotaged relationships because of internal fears, when I should have just let that person love me like they wanted to.

Finally, sex after treatment can be painful. Be sure to have "the talk" with the other person. Be honest and open about the fact you yourself may not know how your body is going to react to touch, sensation, intercourse. I've found that my body goes through "phases" dependant upon my stress levels, emotions from family and social environment, nutritional challenges, medications. These all have an effect on our body and will eventually effect sexual relationships. It's a juggling act, if there ever was one. But I have faith in it.

I will suggest a book that is a great guide for any survivor. I did a review on my site of it. It is The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer by Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz. Chapter 10- The New Single Woman, covers this exact issue.

To quote in part "...

Relationship
1. Know what you want to say and practice saying it
2. Be honest
3. Put yourself in the potential partner's place

Before sex
1. Tell about the cancer treatment
2. Have realistic expectations; sex for the first time is not always that great."

In the book there are great guides also about lubricants, medications, both herbal and pharma, that may help you whether you are sexually active or not.

I hope you found this helpful, and yes, Rachel you may use this on your site. Just please be sure to give credit to Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz if you quote their part. Thanks! (They sent me my print copy for review, and I found it so personally helpful). My review of the book should still be "featured" on my site Home Page, if you'd like to take a look.

Over the six years since I was diagnosed I've ended up spending a good deal of time with the various members of my medical team--doctors, technicians, records clerks, receptionists, nurses, aides, etc.--under sometimes harrowing circumstances. With many, I'm on intimate terms: They've hugged me when I melted down. They've given me manual breast exams. They've asked me about my bowel movements! And even though I'm no longer in active treatment, I'll be seeing them for the rest of my life for follow-ups. It just made sense to develop a good relationship with them.

I can still remember the alienation I felt when I first saw the sign "Clinical Cancer Center." I don't belong here, I thought. Now it feels like home. This is the place where people understand me. These are the people who saved my life. I don't love all of them. But I actually do love a lot of them! The physician's staff is his or her gatekeeper. In most cases you will encounter the staff more often than the physician and it important to have a cordial relationship with each one of them. Just as it is important to have a cordial relationship with your physician, his or her staff can either make life easy for you if you are in need or not go the extra mile.

You want a positive and appreciative relationship with your doctor's staff, one of good will, respect and appreciation. For example, it's 4pm on a Friday afternoon. You just realized that you are out of your thyroid medication and you have no refills left. And you are facing a holiday weekend. If you have a positive relationship with the doctor's staff, they will be more likely to help you out with a refill at this time (a very hectic time for a doctor and the staff), rather than if you have been consistently dissatisfied with them. Staff members talk to one another and to the doctor. You want to known as a nice patient who appreciates them. If you are belligerent or complain on a regular basis, you will not get what you want as easily. That is not to say that if there has been a serious error or problem, that you should not say anything. You should speak up but it is all in the approach.
Another example is if you are very ill and need to see the doctor that day. Let's say the doctor is booked up. If you are nice to the staff and have a good relationship with the appointment scheduler, you'll have a better chance of having him/her squeeze you in or get you an earlier appointment.

In all of my interviews of physicians for my new book, The Take-Charge Patient, each told me stories about patients who have been nasty and abusive. Those patients are avoided more often than the patients who are well liked. It's human nature.
If you can establish relationships with the doctor's staff members you'll be in a much better position to get what you want when you are in need.
Now, there are some doctors who have unpleasant staff members. You do your best with these people. I used to see one specialist who is an excellent doctor but his staff was so unpleasant, I finally found another doctor. Several people I know were referred to him and because of his staff, they have never gone back.
One of the roles of doctor's staff is to keep you, the patient, at bay so as not to bother the doctor. So, you must find the most diplomatic way in.

I would like to approach this from another angle. IF you have not yet had your mastectomy, you may wish to discuss with your doctor options that leave you with natural looking reconstructed breasts and minimal scars. If you qualify for a nipple sparing mastectomy or sugical access via the inframmamory fold, your concerns with an intimate partner can be minimized. However, if this is not possible, know that you are still beautiful on the inside, outside and everywhere inbetween, and likely post cancer you have such a love for life that a few scars really will not matter to a mate....you will be simply irresistable! This is a minefield!! Post mastectomy with reconstruction I am GREAT. In Clothes. I am separated and have been for over a year. The thought of being intimate with anyone is terrifying. Allowing another person to see the battle scars in an intimate setting, I don't know how you get past that. I have more questions than answers but I think I just wanted you to know you are by NO MEANS alone with these thoughts. Without getting x rated, I would think a casual fling might create more of an issue than being intimate on an emotional level with someone. OK.... this just may be as far as I can take this thought....... Just know, you are not alone. For what that is worth...... Many of us feel the same way.

The simple answer is yes, my marriage changed profoundly, and for the better: but (you knew that was coming!) there was a huge price to pay. It is no joke when I say that "only the first 25 years were hard." We had a great marriage, forged in the fires of affliction, courtesy of two bouts with cancer, two unrelated hospitalizations for depression, and all of the struggle and strife necessary to prevail. One recurring theme was the spastic nature of our intimate life, which sprang from his history of emotional neglect, and my history of abuse, which we periodically addressed privately and therapeutically, with uneven success.
We faced my second bout with breast cancer with steely determination, expecting to emerge stronger for it in a few weeks, just like the first time 13 year prior. We DID emerge stronger, but not in weeks! The eruption of PTSD, triggered by the tearing of my flesh during reconstructive surgery, hurled us onto a turbulent unknown. Initially we had a surprisingly joyous reunion, completely free of the anxiety and dread that had haunted our bedroom. My delight in my newly girlish figure more than compensated for the loss of physical pleasure.
Unfortunately, with time and familiarity, old patterns returned and we resumed our miserable pas de deus, only now it was more angry and desperate.
That was four years ago, and since then we have recommitted ourselves to the hard work of facing our fears, forgiving wrongs, and opening up to each other more radically than ever. This has created a sacred space for us to discover each other anew.
That is a long answer, which I am happy to expand if you want more details.
My life is an open book!

The simple answer is yes, my marriage changed profoundly, and for the better: but (you knew that was coming!) there was a huge price to pay. It is no joke when I say that "only the first 25 years were hard." We had a great marriage, forged in the fires of affliction, courtesy of two bouts with cancer, two unrelated hospitalizations for depression, and all of the struggle and strife necessary to prevail. One recurring theme was the spastic nature of our intimate life, which sprang from his history of emotional neglect, and my history of abuse, which we periodically addressed privately and therapeutically, with uneven success.
We faced my second bout with breast cancer with steely determination, expecting to emerge stronger for it in a few weeks, just like the first time 13 year prior. We DID emerge stronger, but not in weeks! The eruption of PTSD, triggered by the tearing of my flesh during reconstructive surgery, hurled us onto a turbulent unknown. Initially we had a surprisingly joyous reunion, completely free of the anxiety and dread that had haunted our bedroom. My delight in my newly girlish figure more than compensated for the loss of physical pleasure.
Unfortunately, with time and familiarity, old patterns returned and we resumed our miserable pas de deus, only now it was more angry and desperate.
That was four years ago, and since then we have recommitted ourselves to the hard work of facing our fears, forgiving wrongs, and opening up to each other more radically than ever. This has created a sacred space for us to discover each other anew.
That is a long answer, which I am happy to expand if you want more details.
My life is an open book!

This is a question I get asked from time to time. The person with a cancer diagnosis has somehow gone from independent person to helpless victim in an instant in the eyes of well-meaning family and friends after the utterance of a few little words, "I have cancer."

The first thing I suggest is that the person with cancer see these friends and family as well-meaning and totally clueless as to what kind of help they can provide or how to be supportive without keeping cancer as the topic of conversation. Remember they are learning about your diagnosis and may be struggling to understand what it means just like you. They may also be reacting to their own past and an experience with another friend or family member who also had a serious illness. Some of them may have guilt about how they have treated you before your diagnosis and they are trying to make amends. Give them thanks and share your gratitude. Praise them for their work and they will gradually feel like they can step back and let things get back to normal.

In most cases I suggest telling them the truth as you and they are prepared to hear it. Be factual, maybe even clinical but spare the gorey details. Emphasize what your strengths are and what you are capable of doing. Don't try to be super-wo/man. Allow others to do for you to keep them occupied and out of your hair. But set boundaries to respect your own independence. If they get under foot, send them out on a snipe hunt at the store. Let them feel useful even if it's a rouse.

Reassure them that you will call and ask for help when you need it and then do so, so they trust you (then they will relax and allow you to spend some time alone when you want it).

I've often heard that the older we get the more we become who we always were. So if you have someone in your family who's alwasy been a big meddler, they will be even more when they are under stress and as they age. Anticipate who might be more problematic for you to manage and get some help from other friends and family to manage that person's involvement. Assign someone to keep them busy or take them out to eat so you can rest and not have to battle with the over-active mensch.

Understand that you are likely to be hyper-sensitive to this attention and help because you are seeking to control as much of your life as you can following a diagnosis that threatens your independence. Fighting over who does the dishes or takes out the trash isn't relenquishing all of your power. It's just a few dishes and some trash. Pick your battles. If you do need some help and want to feel powerful, set up a routine that tells others when and how to do the things you need done. And then let them do it. You are still in control. You always will be even when you choose to let others do for you.

It's your choice. Use it wisely. This is a question I get asked from time to time. The person with a cancer diagnosis has somehow gone from independent person to helpless victim in an instant in the eyes of well-meaning family and friends after the utterance of a few little words, "I have cancer."

The first thing I suggest is that the person with cancer see these friends and family as well-meaning and totally clueless as to what kind of help they can provide or how to be supportive without keeping cancer as the topic of conversation. Remember they are learning about your diagnosis and may be struggling to understand what it means just like you. They may also be reacting to their own past and an experience with another friend or family member who also had a serious illness. Some of them may have guilt about how they have treated you before your diagnosis and they are trying to make amends. Give them thanks and share your gratitude. Praise them for their work and they will gradually feel like they can step back and let things get back to normal.

In most cases I suggest telling them the truth as you and they are prepared to hear it. Be factual, maybe even clinical but spare the gorey details. Emphasize what your strengths are and what you are capable of doing. Don't try to be super-wo/man. Allow others to do for you to keep them occupied and out of your hair. But set boundaries to respect your own independence. If they get under foot, send them out on a snipe hunt at the store. Let them feel useful even if it's a rouse.

Reassure them that you will call and ask for help when you need it and then do so, so they trust you (then they will relax and allow you to spend some time alone when you want it).

I've often heard that the older we get the more we become who we always were. So if you have someone in your family who's alwasy been a big meddler, they will be even more when they are under stress and as they age. Anticipate who might be more problematic for you to manage and get some help from other friends and family to manage that person's involvement. Assign someone to keep them busy or take them out to eat so you can rest and not have to battle with the over-active mensch.

Understand that you are likely to be hyper-sensitive to this attention and help because you are seeking to control as much of your life as you can following a diagnosis that threatens your independence. Fighting over who does the dishes or takes out the trash isn't relenquishing all of your power. It's just a few dishes and some trash. Pick your battles. If you do need some help and want to feel powerful, set up a routine that tells others when and how to do the things you need done. And then let them do it. You are still in control. You always will be even when you choose to let others do for you.

It's your choice. Use it wisely.