Post Treatment Support

I think support groups are really important because the others completely understand your feelings. Families often want 'it' to be over when treatment ends. Unfortunately there is just so much more to deal with.

The short and long-term physical and mental issues, body image, sexuality, appetite, etc.

Sometimes our families just need guidance as to how to help us. They want to, but feel as lost and confused as we do. I founded www.annieappleseedproject.org to provide information from the patient perspective. If I were to be approached by a new client with the situation you describe, I would want to emphasize a few areas:

1) grieving the loss of the relationship. Grief comes in stages, but not necessarily linear ones that once you pass through you are done. Grief is an individual process that will take as long as it takes for each person. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There's your way and others' ways.

2) obtaining support from other people. For some, there are friends and family available to take up the slack when it comes to support. For others, support is something a person must seek. Whether you get support from informal (friends, family, partners, clergy) or more formal (counselors, therapists, psychologists, therapy groups) sources, isn't important. What is important is that you get it. Avoid the temptation to judge the fact that you might have to seek out formal supports. If it feels unfair that you do, remember life aint fair. But that doesn't mean you are stuck feeling sorry for you self. Turn your anger into motivation and get out there to find the support that can and will be there for you.

3) building self-esteem and self confidence. The loss of a love can be hard for anyone; deflating self-esteem, motivation and stamina. For a cancer survivor, it can sometimes be compounded by body image issues related to changes in weight, hair loss or surgery. Begin by reconnecting to yourself. Again, let go of the urge to judge yourself. Look for your basic intrinsic value and branch out from there. You are a unique specimen, a survivor, and a fighter. You have a beauty within you that transcends appearance. You may need to find that beauty again to let it shine. Then watch the moths come flitting to the flame!

4) dealing with your anger. Anger can be a highly motivating emotion, but the trouble is sometimes what we are motivated to do with that anger. Getting revenge is great for a country western songwriter but not that practical for the rest of us. Start by expressing your anger to a friend, family member, in writing, to a therapist. Don't judge it, feel it and let it go. Then start looking at the reality of the situation. If s/he left you now, then you are at least able to know where you truly stand so you can adequately prepare for your future without the false impression that they will be there and leave you down the road. Could s/he be lacking in moral character? Yup. Could they just be at the end of their own coping? Yup. Should you have seen it? Maybe? No. Weren't you a little busy with the whole cancer thing? Come back around to your innate worth and ability to heal and grow. If you have come through cancer, you can beat anything, including heartache. You may grow a thick skin for a while, but that's normal. That skin will shed when you are ready to love again.

5) dusting off dating skills. When and if you are ready, it's time to reconsider how you want to approach dating. Expect that it's going to feel foreign and strange to put yourself out there. You will be risking rejection, but you will have the same power to reject someone else. You might wrestle with somewhat paranoid thoughts: "Why are they interested in me? What could they possibly see in me?" That is just your Poison Parrot talking to you. Toss a towel over its cage and let it drift off to sleep. Get out of the house. Get involved in activities you enjoy. Meet people at work, at school, at church, in a club, where you volunteer. Just be among people. Get used to it again. But take the pressure off yourself to "find love." We don't efficiently find love, love finds us. At least the best loves I've know happened when I wasn't looking.

As a professional counselor, I empathize with anyone dealing with treatment and other life issues simultaneously. Life doesn't go on hold just because we're in treatment or healing. When you begin to think "Why me?" follow that up with "Why not me?" and listen closely for an answer.

I'm glad you say you are O.K. I thank you for the question and hope my answer spurs some discussion.