Parenting

My son is now 13 years old. He was three when I was first diagnosed. While every child is different, I can’t imagine that there is a graver concern that losing one’s mother. And sadly, there simply is no satisfying response. Ultimately, I believe we need to look for the related but unspoken questions our children have, and address those. Among the things that scare him about losing me, for example, is his fear that there will be no one to care for him. So while I can’t tell him I won’t die, I can assure him that we are thinking about these issues as well, and that we put a priority making sure plans are in place, and that he knows what would happen.

Kids make up all kinds of things…like a fear that cancer is contagious. The younger a child is, the more important it is to dig deep and help them ask their questions. For older children, their fear of asking questions is often related to hurting the parent’s feelings…for example if they are embarrassed that mom is bald. Here too, the most important thing we can do for our children is to assure them that there is an open door…and then make sure the door remains open. They take their lead from us, and when we are comfortable talking about things, they will feel safe enough to ask.

My kids were scared, particularly my daughter, who was 16 when I was diagnosed. I did a couple of things that I think were helpful to them psychologically.

One was that I took them to chemo with me one day, and while they were there, they met with the clinical social worker at the cancer center. I'm not sure what they discussed, but I think it was good for them to know there was someone they could call if they needed further support. And it was also good for them to see the very comfortable surroundings in which I was being treated and meet the competent, loving people who were caring for me.

The second thing I did was give them tasks to help me out. My son, who had given saline injections to his cat, came over the day after chemo to give me Neulasta shots. The shots, which came in prefilled syringes, were very expensive, and I was worried I would botch it. And he was very good at it!

My daughter's task was to tackle her schoolwork without being nagged. Her grades went from mediocre to excellent within a few months. I think my cancer diagnosis is one reason she got into a competitive college! Also, when my nails grew back after falling out during chemo, she undertook to extricate them from the callus and maintain them. There is nothing a teenage girl does better than mani/pedis!

Allowing my kids to help me made them feel more in control, I think. And of course, I was grateful for the assistance they gave me. I don't have a lot of positive cancer memories, but I do think back fondly about the roles my kids played.