Marriage

Cool MarySClem, that you found a way to compromise with each other! Yes, Carol, my separation was definitely related to the breast cancer. There were other issues but dealing with cancer amplified all of the other issues. I think there was resentment when I was in active treatment even though I **thought** my husband was supportive. Looking back, I see how many times I had to rely upon myself or others when I should have been able to lean upon him.

When active treatment was over, he announced that I no longer had cancer and he no longer wanted to ever hear about cancer again. Great for him but how does one "finish cancer." The answer, You don't. There is no cure. Survivors get it. Others may not. Daily reminders (seeing scars) and doctor appointments (several different doctors) throughout the year make it impossible to just forget. Again, "we" get it. Others may struggle.

We are communicating now on a somewhat deeper level. I stepped into an advocacy role and I do this for the sake of my daughter and the next generation. This may complicate any attempts at reconciling but I am remaining true to myself.

Would be happy to talk privately if you wish....

AnneMarie

Cancer is a disease of both the individual and their families. Spouses, parents, children, and significant others are profoundly affected by the diagnosis. The first step in helping our spouses/significant others to grasp the emotional changes we've been through is to understand that although it may be difficult for them to express their own feelings, in the majority of cases, they care very deeply about what has and is happening to us.

Unfortunately, just as our diagnosis was a shock to us, most often spouses and family members are tossed into the caregiving role without warning and without the necessary communication skills that are so important for providing compassionate care. Our loved ones may also be so affected about what is happening to themselves in relation to what is happening to us that their focus is inward or expressed inappropriately. For example, a spouse or loved one may be very angry about the cancer diagnosis and treatment and inadvertently project the anger towards you. Fear also underlies blocked communication and your loved ones may be afraid that they cannot meet emotional needs or provide adequate comfort. These factors often put the responsibility of effective communication on the shoulders of the individual who is experiencing the cancer. We must be able to identify our own emotional needs and then take responsibility for communicating these needs to our loved ones.

In a practical sense identifying our needs begins with "I" statements to our loved ones, such as "I want" or "I feel" or "I think." Being clear and clarifying our needs is important with statements such as "I sometimes feel frustrated when my hands ache from neuropathy and I'm unable to do the chores around the house, therefore I need you to help me." Asking your loved ones if they understand your needs is also important. An example might be, "I keep asking myself if I should share my diagnosis with my parents. What do you think?"

Finally of course, we must be receptive to the feedback that our loved ones communicate and also be receptive to their help and support without being defensive. It is a challenge for our loved ones to grasp the emotional changes we've been through when they are going through their own changes at the same time. Once a cancer is diagnosed the repercussions reverberate throughout every relationship--spouse to spouse or individual to individual. Therefore, the first step is clear understanding of these changes through effective communication. Besides taking the responsibility on ourselves alone there are support networks and support groups that can also help your loved ones understand the journey you are taking by listening and being informed by others. Cancer is a disease of both the individual and their families. Spouses, parents, children, and significant others are profoundly affected by the diagnosis. The first step in helping our spouses/significant others to grasp the emotional changes we've been through is to understand that although it may be difficult for them to express their own feelings, in the majority of cases, they care very deeply about what has and is happening to us.

Unfortunately, just as our diagnosis was a shock to us, most often spouses and family members are tossed into the caregiving role without warning and without the necessary communication skills that are so important for providing compassionate care. Our loved ones may also be so affected about what is happening to themselves in relation to what is happening to us that their focus is inward or expressed inappropriately. For example, a spouse or loved one may be very angry about the cancer diagnosis and treatment and inadvertently project the anger towards you. Fear also underlies blocked communication and your loved ones may be afraid that they cannot meet emotional needs or provide adequate comfort. These factors often put the responsibility of effective communication on the shoulders of the individual who is experiencing the cancer. We must be able to identify our own emotional needs and then take responsibility for communicating these needs to our loved ones.

In a practical sense identifying our needs begins with "I" statements to our loved ones, such as "I want" or "I feel" or "I think." Being clear and clarifying our needs is important with statements such as "I sometimes feel frustrated when my hands ache from neuropathy and I'm unable to do the chores around the house, therefore I need you to help me." Asking your loved ones if they understand your needs is also important. An example might be, "I keep asking myself if I should share my diagnosis with my parents. What do you think?"

Finally of course, we must be receptive to the feedback that our loved ones communicate and also be receptive to their help and support without being defensive. It is a challenge for our loved ones to grasp the emotional changes we've been through when they are going through their own changes at the same time. Once a cancer is diagnosed the repercussions reverberate throughout every relationship--spouse to spouse or individual to individual. Therefore, the first step is clear understanding of these changes through effective communication. Besides taking the responsibility on ourselves alone there are support networks and support groups that can also help your loved ones understand the journey you are taking by listening and being informed by others.

I think support groups are really important because the others completely understand your feelings. Families often want 'it' to be over when treatment ends. Unfortunately there is just so much more to deal with.

The short and long-term physical and mental issues, body image, sexuality, appetite, etc.

Sometimes our families just need guidance as to how to help us. They want to, but feel as lost and confused as we do. I founded www.annieappleseedproject.org to provide information from the patient perspective. If I were to be approached by a new client with the situation you describe, I would want to emphasize a few areas:

1) grieving the loss of the relationship. Grief comes in stages, but not necessarily linear ones that once you pass through you are done. Grief is an individual process that will take as long as it takes for each person. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There's your way and others' ways.

2) obtaining support from other people. For some, there are friends and family available to take up the slack when it comes to support. For others, support is something a person must seek. Whether you get support from informal (friends, family, partners, clergy) or more formal (counselors, therapists, psychologists, therapy groups) sources, isn't important. What is important is that you get it. Avoid the temptation to judge the fact that you might have to seek out formal supports. If it feels unfair that you do, remember life aint fair. But that doesn't mean you are stuck feeling sorry for you self. Turn your anger into motivation and get out there to find the support that can and will be there for you.

3) building self-esteem and self confidence. The loss of a love can be hard for anyone; deflating self-esteem, motivation and stamina. For a cancer survivor, it can sometimes be compounded by body image issues related to changes in weight, hair loss or surgery. Begin by reconnecting to yourself. Again, let go of the urge to judge yourself. Look for your basic intrinsic value and branch out from there. You are a unique specimen, a survivor, and a fighter. You have a beauty within you that transcends appearance. You may need to find that beauty again to let it shine. Then watch the moths come flitting to the flame!

4) dealing with your anger. Anger can be a highly motivating emotion, but the trouble is sometimes what we are motivated to do with that anger. Getting revenge is great for a country western songwriter but not that practical for the rest of us. Start by expressing your anger to a friend, family member, in writing, to a therapist. Don't judge it, feel it and let it go. Then start looking at the reality of the situation. If s/he left you now, then you are at least able to know where you truly stand so you can adequately prepare for your future without the false impression that they will be there and leave you down the road. Could s/he be lacking in moral character? Yup. Could they just be at the end of their own coping? Yup. Should you have seen it? Maybe? No. Weren't you a little busy with the whole cancer thing? Come back around to your innate worth and ability to heal and grow. If you have come through cancer, you can beat anything, including heartache. You may grow a thick skin for a while, but that's normal. That skin will shed when you are ready to love again.

5) dusting off dating skills. When and if you are ready, it's time to reconsider how you want to approach dating. Expect that it's going to feel foreign and strange to put yourself out there. You will be risking rejection, but you will have the same power to reject someone else. You might wrestle with somewhat paranoid thoughts: "Why are they interested in me? What could they possibly see in me?" That is just your Poison Parrot talking to you. Toss a towel over its cage and let it drift off to sleep. Get out of the house. Get involved in activities you enjoy. Meet people at work, at school, at church, in a club, where you volunteer. Just be among people. Get used to it again. But take the pressure off yourself to "find love." We don't efficiently find love, love finds us. At least the best loves I've know happened when I wasn't looking.

As a professional counselor, I empathize with anyone dealing with treatment and other life issues simultaneously. Life doesn't go on hold just because we're in treatment or healing. When you begin to think "Why me?" follow that up with "Why not me?" and listen closely for an answer.

I'm glad you say you are O.K. I thank you for the question and hope my answer spurs some discussion.

Like dlebleu, I was also lucky to have my partner of now 27 years by my side through my diagnosis. Fortunately for us we had established a great relationship of communicating over the years that helps us through any difficult time. That skill served us well during our battle with breast cancer. My advice would be to talk it out and talk through it. Share your feelings and your fears and remember that even though you might personally be dealing with cancer, your partner is dealing with a lot too. They are concerned about your well being, your medical care, and often take on additional duties around the house. Sometimes they might need to talk to someone besides you to express their feelings. Organizations like the Cancer Support Community and Men Against Breast Cancer offer support for caregivers and could be what your partner needs if they are having a difficult time. Like dlebleu, I was also lucky to have my partner of now 27 years by my side through my diagnosis. Fortunately for us we had established a great relationship of communicating over the years that helps us through any difficult time. That skill served us well during our battle with breast cancer. My advice would be to talk it out and talk through it. Share your feelings and your fears and remember that even though you might personally be dealing with cancer, your partner is dealing with a lot too. They are concerned about your well being, your medical care, and often take on additional duties around the house. Sometimes they might need to talk to someone besides you to express their feelings. Organizations like the Cancer Support Community and Men Against Breast Cancer offer support for caregivers and could be what your partner needs if they are having a difficult time.