Life Changes

I think I was born a survivor. As one of the first Rh Negative babies to survive a complete blood transfusion when I was two days old and six weeks premature, I believe my survivor gene kicked in from the get go. When I was a kid, my father died of cancer, then my first husband died of cancer and now I'm the cancer survivor. Each of of these experiences have given me insight into what cancer families need. I've seen children get lost emotionally and husbands leave their wives, resulting in generations of cancer families who feel abandoned and vulnerable.

After I was diagnosed, I knew I had the personal experiences, the knowledge and drive to make a difference in how other cancer families coped. Not all of us know how to survive a crisis. I have this burning desire, to teach each member of the cancer family survivorship skills that hopefully will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

With a few exceptions, my support group has embraced the changes in me since breast cancer. I was the girl who did everything right to begin with--diet, exercise, mammograms, etc--so when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a girlfriend abandoned me. I didn't take it as a reflection on me, but on the fear she was experiencing. She actually told me that if I could get breast cancer, there was no hope for her. Since her lifestyle was a mess--sugar, no exercise, chicken fried steak & cream gravy--to remain my friend would have meant she would need to confront those things and she chose to stay in the land of denial. I've since talked with many survivors and realize that's not an uncommon thing. I think I was born a survivor. As one of the first Rh Negative babies to survive a complete blood transfusion when I was two days old and six weeks premature, I believe my survivor gene kicked in from the get go. When I was a kid, my father died of cancer, then my first husband died of cancer and now I'm the cancer survivor. Each of of these experiences have given me insight into what cancer families need. I've seen children get lost emotionally and husbands leave their wives, resulting in generations of cancer families who feel abandoned and vulnerable.

After I was diagnosed, I knew I had the personal experiences, the knowledge and drive to make a difference in how other cancer families coped. Not all of us know how to survive a crisis. I have this burning desire, to teach each member of the cancer family survivorship skills that hopefully will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

With a few exceptions, my support group has embraced the changes in me since breast cancer. I was the girl who did everything right to begin with--diet, exercise, mammograms, etc--so when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a girlfriend abandoned me. I didn't take it as a reflection on me, but on the fear she was experiencing. She actually told me that if I could get breast cancer, there was no hope for her. Since her lifestyle was a mess--sugar, no exercise, chicken fried steak & cream gravy--to remain my friend would have meant she would need to confront those things and she chose to stay in the land of denial. I've since talked with many survivors and realize that's not an uncommon thing.

The first thing I'd say is that the notion of "normal" after treatment ends is something most of us yearn for but not something you can ever *really* attain -- especially if you're hoping to get back to the way things were before you found out you had cancer. Understanding this and learning how to cope with post-treatment recovery is crucial.

You have just been through an enormous trauma, and traumas always have consequences. It's very important to understand that, and to know that if you feel you need any kind of help dealing with the emotional aspects of recovery, you can start to heal if you get help. There are Oncology Social Workers, Therapists, and other kinds of qualified people who can help you deal with any aftershocks. Ask your doctor for referrals.

Understand that this is a very vulnerable time for you. Most likely you are wishing you could put it all behind you, most likely all the non-cancer patients/survivors in your life are not going to understand how you feel (don't hold this against them--they just can't, as they have not traveled in your shoes) and are expecting you to "be all done." Sorry, but you are not. Now begins the slow process of recovery. Be patient with yourself, be gentle to yourself, find a balance between pushing yourself and giving yourself time to rest. Connect with other survivors and learn how to live in the moment. You get through a difficult moment, you get through another, and next thing you know you've made it through the day, one step closer to your "new normal."

During treatment, your life is structured, you see your medical team regularly, you have a purpose and it can feel like a huge shock to all of a sudden be "out there" on your own. It's a relief to be done with treatment, but it can feel daunting too. Be aware that you might feel this way--I suggest finding things like a support group, an art-therapy or writing class, etc. through your Cancer Center to meet other survivors and share support. Also look for organizations such as http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ And, as well as TalkAboutHealth online, there's a wonderful "Breast Cancer Social Media" chat on Twitter every Monday evening. Follow the hashtag #bcsm and join the discussion. As a matter of fact, we recently addressed this topic!

Just remember that this "New Normal" can and will lead to good things if you are open to it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it will probably take you a lot longer to get there than you expected, so settle down for the long haul and breathe deeply. I have done this three times; it might not be fun all the time, but it can be done, and IT DOES GET BETTER. The first thing I'd say is that the notion of "normal" after treatment ends is something most of us yearn for but not something you can ever *really* attain -- especially if you're hoping to get back to the way things were before you found out you had cancer. Understanding this and learning how to cope with post-treatment recovery is crucial.

You have just been through an enormous trauma, and traumas always have consequences. It's very important to understand that, and to know that if you feel you need any kind of help dealing with the emotional aspects of recovery, you can start to heal if you get help. There are Oncology Social Workers, Therapists, and other kinds of qualified people who can help you deal with any aftershocks. Ask your doctor for referrals.

Understand that this is a very vulnerable time for you. Most likely you are wishing you could put it all behind you, most likely all the non-cancer patients/survivors in your life are not going to understand how you feel (don't hold this against them--they just can't, as they have not traveled in your shoes) and are expecting you to "be all done." Sorry, but you are not. Now begins the slow process of recovery. Be patient with yourself, be gentle to yourself, find a balance between pushing yourself and giving yourself time to rest. Connect with other survivors and learn how to live in the moment. You get through a difficult moment, you get through another, and next thing you know you've made it through the day, one step closer to your "new normal."

During treatment, your life is structured, you see your medical team regularly, you have a purpose and it can feel like a huge shock to all of a sudden be "out there" on your own. It's a relief to be done with treatment, but it can feel daunting too. Be aware that you might feel this way--I suggest finding things like a support group, an art-therapy or writing class, etc. through your Cancer Center to meet other survivors and share support. Also look for organizations such as http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ And, as well as TalkAboutHealth online, there's a wonderful "Breast Cancer Social Media" chat on Twitter every Monday evening. Follow the hashtag #bcsm and join the discussion. As a matter of fact, we recently addressed this topic!

Just remember that this "New Normal" can and will lead to good things if you are open to it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it will probably take you a lot longer to get there than you expected, so settle down for the long haul and breathe deeply. I have done this three times; it might not be fun all the time, but it can be done, and IT DOES GET BETTER.

Debbie - Thank you for your question. Today, I have been plagued with an intense feeling of anxiety, so I must be honest when I admit that the anxiety that comes with change never really goes away. But, I have learned to accept that anxiety is part of the process. I am also learning to accept that the anxiety never stays forever and eventually it gets replaced with the joy of a new experience.

I wrote a post about this back in December and included in it is a great quote by a Hopi elder about Letting Go Of The Shore. When I am having a particularly challenging day, I like to re-read the quote and remind myself that "the river has a destination".

So...that's what I'm doing today. Breathing into a paper bag and reminding myself to Let Go Of The Shore and just enjoy the journey...

Here's the link to the post: http://www.afreshchapter.com/letting-go-of-the-shore.html

But, in case you just want to read the quote, here it is:

“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those that will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel that they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.

Know that the river has its destination. The elders say that we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.

The time for the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

For we are the ones that we have been waiting for.”
Debbie - Thank you for your question. Today, I have been plagued with an intense feeling of anxiety, so I must be honest when I admit that the anxiety that comes with change never really goes away. But, I have learned to accept that anxiety is part of the process. I am also learning to accept that the anxiety never stays forever and eventually it gets replaced with the joy of a new experience.

I wrote a post about this back in December and included in it is a great quote by a Hopi elder about Letting Go Of The Shore. When I am having a particularly challenging day, I like to re-read the quote and remind myself that "the river has a destination".

So...that's what I'm doing today. Breathing into a paper bag and reminding myself to Let Go Of The Shore and just enjoy the journey...

Here's the link to the post: http://www.afreshchapter.com/letting-go-of-the-shore.html

But, in case you just want to read the quote, here it is:

“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those that will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel that they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.

Know that the river has its destination. The elders say that we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.

The time for the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

For we are the ones that we have been waiting for.”