Life After Cancer

What a great answer. Look at us validating each other ;-) Seriously though, I think it's important to find a balance. I definitely think it's time you used your spa certificate. You deserve it. Thank you for echoing my need to have conversations outside of the cancer community that have nothing to do with cancer, but also to form friendships within the cancer community that are about so much more than just cancer.
Big hugs to you and keep up the amazing work!
Terri That's a good question! After my mastectomy I felt so driven to give back that I jumped into whatever I could to be of use. I'm also a bit of a workaholic, especially when I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Since I started building the WhereWeGoNow community, I've so enjoyed every contact (in person and virtually) that's it hard for me to remember to pull back sometimes from all cancer all the time.

So, maybe I'm the wrong I person to ask this question. I do know, however, that I relish talking to old and new friends who are not a part of the cancer community. I make it a point to see one of them once every week or two and we have amazing conversations about everything (except cancer.)

My family also keeps me focused on other things. What I should do more of is yoga and "me time" relaxation activities. I got a spa certificate from my husband for my birthday five months ago and have yet to go. I think it's about time, don't you?

I had a problem with this question too. Until about nine months after my mastectomy, I was only aware of and focused on the losses brought to me by cancer. As a result of amazing support (and a lot of oncology therapy) I slowly started to realize that cancer was also bringing gifts into my life. Make no mistake – that didn’t make me grateful for having cancer. But I had to realize that there were things now in my life, solely due to cancer, for which I was deeply grateful.

Because this realization kept bothering me, I had to write it down, and out came my Gifts and Losses List. You can see my list at http://www.wherewegonow.com/gifts-and-losses/debbies-list#. I think the reason I found making the list so healing was because I honestly admitted and appreciated both the gifts and the losses of cancer. I didn’t try to sugarcoat the losses any more than I tried to deny the gifts. By looking at my new life beyond cancer in this way, I found myself truly starting to heal.

It is undeniable that the things you had to give up due to cancer are losses. In my case, I could never have found optimism by denying the pain of their loss. It took some time (remember I said it was nine months after my mastectomy when I wrote the list), but eventually I was able to recognize that pain was only part of what cancer was bringing into my life. By recognizing the gift of gratitude for all the support I received, I was opening myself up to the yin and yang of the entire experience.


If you feel ready, why don’t you try to write your own Gifts and Losses List? No pressure. It’s entirely private and up to you. If you give it a try, I hope you recognize a few people or things in your life solely due to cancer for which you feel gratitude. It’s a small start, but for me the Gifts and Losses list brought some balance back into my life. I had a problem with this question too. Until about nine months after my mastectomy, I was only aware of and focused on the losses brought to me by cancer. As a result of amazing support (and a lot of oncology therapy) I slowly started to realize that cancer was also bringing gifts into my life. Make no mistake – that didn’t make me grateful for having cancer. But I had to realize that there were things now in my life, solely due to cancer, for which I was deeply grateful.

Because this realization kept bothering me, I had to write it down, and out came my Gifts and Losses List. You can see my list at http://www.wherewegonow.com/gifts-and-losses/debbies-list#. I think the reason I found making the list so healing was because I honestly admitted and appreciated both the gifts and the losses of cancer. I didn’t try to sugarcoat the losses any more than I tried to deny the gifts. By looking at my new life beyond cancer in this way, I found myself truly starting to heal.

It is undeniable that the things you had to give up due to cancer are losses. In my case, I could never have found optimism by denying the pain of their loss. It took some time (remember I said it was nine months after my mastectomy when I wrote the list), but eventually I was able to recognize that pain was only part of what cancer was bringing into my life. By recognizing the gift of gratitude for all the support I received, I was opening myself up to the yin and yang of the entire experience.


If you feel ready, why don’t you try to write your own Gifts and Losses List? No pressure. It’s entirely private and up to you. If you give it a try, I hope you recognize a few people or things in your life solely due to cancer for which you feel gratitude. It’s a small start, but for me the Gifts and Losses list brought some balance back into my life.

I would like to approach this from another angle. IF you have not yet had your mastectomy, you may wish to discuss with your doctor options that leave you with natural looking reconstructed breasts and minimal scars. If you qualify for a nipple sparing mastectomy or sugical access via the inframmamory fold, your concerns with an intimate partner can be minimized. However, if this is not possible, know that you are still beautiful on the inside, outside and everywhere inbetween, and likely post cancer you have such a love for life that a few scars really will not matter to a mate....you will be simply irresistable! This is a minefield!! Post mastectomy with reconstruction I am GREAT. In Clothes. I am separated and have been for over a year. The thought of being intimate with anyone is terrifying. Allowing another person to see the battle scars in an intimate setting, I don't know how you get past that. I have more questions than answers but I think I just wanted you to know you are by NO MEANS alone with these thoughts. Without getting x rated, I would think a casual fling might create more of an issue than being intimate on an emotional level with someone. OK.... this just may be as far as I can take this thought....... Just know, you are not alone. For what that is worth...... Many of us feel the same way.

A survivorship care plan includes, includes a record of all treatment received. Upon discharge from treatment, patients and their primary provider should receive a written follow-up care plan that includes; ongoing health maintenance, screening intervals and periodic testing, signs of recurrence, physical and emotional effects of treatment, recommendations for health behaviors, information on genetic counseling and testing as appropriate, information on chemoprevention, referral to specific care providers, and list of cancer related resources.

Questions to ask:
- List of medications and treatments
- Detailed plan of follow-up care
- Risk of recurrence or secondary cancers
- How to maintain health
- Possibility of short-term and long term side effects
- Resources for potential employment and insurance discrimination
- List of support groups
- Who will be monitoring care

The importance of the survivorship care plan is to assure that all providers involved in care are communicating, and that the individual patient has the information and support needed for ongoing care.
A survivorship care plan includes, includes a record of all treatment received. Upon discharge from treatment, patients and their primary provider should receive a written follow-up care plan that includes; ongoing health maintenance, screening intervals and periodic testing, signs of recurrence, physical and emotional effects of treatment, recommendations for health behaviors, information on genetic counseling and testing as appropriate, information on chemoprevention, referral to specific care providers, and list of cancer related resources.

Questions to ask:
- List of medications and treatments
- Detailed plan of follow-up care
- Risk of recurrence or secondary cancers
- How to maintain health
- Possibility of short-term and long term side effects
- Resources for potential employment and insurance discrimination
- List of support groups
- Who will be monitoring care

The importance of the survivorship care plan is to assure that all providers involved in care are communicating, and that the individual patient has the information and support needed for ongoing care.

I think I was born a survivor. As one of the first Rh Negative babies to survive a complete blood transfusion when I was two days old and six weeks premature, I believe my survivor gene kicked in from the get go. When I was a kid, my father died of cancer, then my first husband died of cancer and now I'm the cancer survivor. Each of of these experiences have given me insight into what cancer families need. I've seen children get lost emotionally and husbands leave their wives, resulting in generations of cancer families who feel abandoned and vulnerable.

After I was diagnosed, I knew I had the personal experiences, the knowledge and drive to make a difference in how other cancer families coped. Not all of us know how to survive a crisis. I have this burning desire, to teach each member of the cancer family survivorship skills that hopefully will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

With a few exceptions, my support group has embraced the changes in me since breast cancer. I was the girl who did everything right to begin with--diet, exercise, mammograms, etc--so when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a girlfriend abandoned me. I didn't take it as a reflection on me, but on the fear she was experiencing. She actually told me that if I could get breast cancer, there was no hope for her. Since her lifestyle was a mess--sugar, no exercise, chicken fried steak & cream gravy--to remain my friend would have meant she would need to confront those things and she chose to stay in the land of denial. I've since talked with many survivors and realize that's not an uncommon thing. I think I was born a survivor. As one of the first Rh Negative babies to survive a complete blood transfusion when I was two days old and six weeks premature, I believe my survivor gene kicked in from the get go. When I was a kid, my father died of cancer, then my first husband died of cancer and now I'm the cancer survivor. Each of of these experiences have given me insight into what cancer families need. I've seen children get lost emotionally and husbands leave their wives, resulting in generations of cancer families who feel abandoned and vulnerable.

After I was diagnosed, I knew I had the personal experiences, the knowledge and drive to make a difference in how other cancer families coped. Not all of us know how to survive a crisis. I have this burning desire, to teach each member of the cancer family survivorship skills that hopefully will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

With a few exceptions, my support group has embraced the changes in me since breast cancer. I was the girl who did everything right to begin with--diet, exercise, mammograms, etc--so when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a girlfriend abandoned me. I didn't take it as a reflection on me, but on the fear she was experiencing. She actually told me that if I could get breast cancer, there was no hope for her. Since her lifestyle was a mess--sugar, no exercise, chicken fried steak & cream gravy--to remain my friend would have meant she would need to confront those things and she chose to stay in the land of denial. I've since talked with many survivors and realize that's not an uncommon thing.

The first thing I'd say is that the notion of "normal" after treatment ends is something most of us yearn for but not something you can ever *really* attain -- especially if you're hoping to get back to the way things were before you found out you had cancer. Understanding this and learning how to cope with post-treatment recovery is crucial.

You have just been through an enormous trauma, and traumas always have consequences. It's very important to understand that, and to know that if you feel you need any kind of help dealing with the emotional aspects of recovery, you can start to heal if you get help. There are Oncology Social Workers, Therapists, and other kinds of qualified people who can help you deal with any aftershocks. Ask your doctor for referrals.

Understand that this is a very vulnerable time for you. Most likely you are wishing you could put it all behind you, most likely all the non-cancer patients/survivors in your life are not going to understand how you feel (don't hold this against them--they just can't, as they have not traveled in your shoes) and are expecting you to "be all done." Sorry, but you are not. Now begins the slow process of recovery. Be patient with yourself, be gentle to yourself, find a balance between pushing yourself and giving yourself time to rest. Connect with other survivors and learn how to live in the moment. You get through a difficult moment, you get through another, and next thing you know you've made it through the day, one step closer to your "new normal."

During treatment, your life is structured, you see your medical team regularly, you have a purpose and it can feel like a huge shock to all of a sudden be "out there" on your own. It's a relief to be done with treatment, but it can feel daunting too. Be aware that you might feel this way--I suggest finding things like a support group, an art-therapy or writing class, etc. through your Cancer Center to meet other survivors and share support. Also look for organizations such as http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ And, as well as TalkAboutHealth online, there's a wonderful "Breast Cancer Social Media" chat on Twitter every Monday evening. Follow the hashtag #bcsm and join the discussion. As a matter of fact, we recently addressed this topic!

Just remember that this "New Normal" can and will lead to good things if you are open to it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it will probably take you a lot longer to get there than you expected, so settle down for the long haul and breathe deeply. I have done this three times; it might not be fun all the time, but it can be done, and IT DOES GET BETTER. The first thing I'd say is that the notion of "normal" after treatment ends is something most of us yearn for but not something you can ever *really* attain -- especially if you're hoping to get back to the way things were before you found out you had cancer. Understanding this and learning how to cope with post-treatment recovery is crucial.

You have just been through an enormous trauma, and traumas always have consequences. It's very important to understand that, and to know that if you feel you need any kind of help dealing with the emotional aspects of recovery, you can start to heal if you get help. There are Oncology Social Workers, Therapists, and other kinds of qualified people who can help you deal with any aftershocks. Ask your doctor for referrals.

Understand that this is a very vulnerable time for you. Most likely you are wishing you could put it all behind you, most likely all the non-cancer patients/survivors in your life are not going to understand how you feel (don't hold this against them--they just can't, as they have not traveled in your shoes) and are expecting you to "be all done." Sorry, but you are not. Now begins the slow process of recovery. Be patient with yourself, be gentle to yourself, find a balance between pushing yourself and giving yourself time to rest. Connect with other survivors and learn how to live in the moment. You get through a difficult moment, you get through another, and next thing you know you've made it through the day, one step closer to your "new normal."

During treatment, your life is structured, you see your medical team regularly, you have a purpose and it can feel like a huge shock to all of a sudden be "out there" on your own. It's a relief to be done with treatment, but it can feel daunting too. Be aware that you might feel this way--I suggest finding things like a support group, an art-therapy or writing class, etc. through your Cancer Center to meet other survivors and share support. Also look for organizations such as http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ And, as well as TalkAboutHealth online, there's a wonderful "Breast Cancer Social Media" chat on Twitter every Monday evening. Follow the hashtag #bcsm and join the discussion. As a matter of fact, we recently addressed this topic!

Just remember that this "New Normal" can and will lead to good things if you are open to it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it will probably take you a lot longer to get there than you expected, so settle down for the long haul and breathe deeply. I have done this three times; it might not be fun all the time, but it can be done, and IT DOES GET BETTER.

This is an excellent question. When I was initially diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease in 1991, I was only 20 years old. I was very concerned about my dating life. When I finished my treatment and was ready to head back to college, I had an in-depth conversation with my radiation oncologist about this very subject. He gave me some incredible advice. He said: "Be as open and honest as you can about your cancer experience. You will find that this scares some people away. Your relationships with friends might change after a cancer diagnosis. Keep in mind, this reflects on them, not you. If people choose to walk away from a friendship or relationship with you because you are a cancer survivor, you don't want them in your life. As hard as that might be to accept, you need to recognize that there are many people out there that will accept you for who you are, don't forget that."

I've always remembered this conversation and great advice! I agree with Jackie and CancerHawk -- don't waste your time on people that are not accepting of you and your experiences!

p.s. I just got married last year! My husband's been by my side for my two battles with breast cancer. Quick disclaimer: I've been married forever so it's hard to even imagine dating, much less sharing something like our breast cancer experiences, but my guess is to share it when you feel comfortable with him and want him to know the real you. But if you do share that, and then he won't speak to you, my advice is to thank your lucky stars you found out what a jerk he is and that you don't have to waste your time on him anymore. I'm dead serious.