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I had a huge fight with my husband tonight, hence being on the computer at 3am. Was the separation related to your cancer?
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member4039 (Survivor (5 - 10 years)) - 12 / 09 / 2011
Yes, Carol, my separation was definitely related to the breast cancer. There were other issues but dealing with cancer amplified all of the other issues. I think there was resentment when I was in active treatment even though I **thought** my husband was supportive. Looking back, I see how many times I had to rely upon myself or others when I should have been able to lean upon him.
When active treatment was over, he announced that I no longer had cancer and he no longer wanted to ever hear about cancer again. Great for him but how does one "finish cancer." The answer, You don't. There is no cure. Survivors get it. Others may not. Daily reminders (seeing scars) and doctor appointments (several different doctors) throughout the year make it impossible to just forget. Again, "we" get it. Others may struggle.
We are communicating now on a somewhat deeper level. I stepped into an advocacy role and I do this for the sake of my daughter and the next generation. This may complicate any attempts at reconciling but I am remaining true to myself.
Would be happy to talk privately if you wish....
AnneMarie
When active treatment was over, he announced that I no longer had cancer and he no longer wanted to ever hear about cancer again. Great for him but how does one "finish cancer." The answer, You don't. There is no cure. Survivors get it. Others may not. Daily reminders (seeing scars) and doctor appointments (several different doctors) throughout the year make it impossible to just forget. Again, "we" get it. Others may struggle.
We are communicating now on a somewhat deeper level. I stepped into an advocacy role and I do this for the sake of my daughter and the next generation. This may complicate any attempts at reconciling but I am remaining true to myself.
Would be happy to talk privately if you wish....
AnneMarie
member2249 (Survivor (1 year)) - 12 / 10 / 2011
I had similar issue with my own husband. It took 3 months past the end of tx to have the conversation that would either end or save my marriage. The fact my children are young is probably what allowed our coupl to survive this, otherwise I would probably have ended in the same boat at AnneMarie and plenty of others, going through divorce/separation right on the heels of breast cancer tx.
Men tend ot have more difficulty than us to handle such life threatening issues and dealing with the emotions it evokes. The austrich strategy where If I don't see it or hear about it won't affect him being a favorite of theirs. DO I generalize? Certainly, but I saw and heard many stories that proves my point to know this is true.
I wish I had a more supportive husband and someone who could have been WITH me instead of sitting on the sideline when I went through this. Howevere, after several discussion we came to the conclusion he just didn'T have the skills to do it and I was lucky enough to find 5 miracle friends and family members who were more than willing to provide the shoulder for me to lean on and to take on the slack in my family to keep us from falling apart.
I can stay some part of me doesn't old a grudge that I had to go through it alone, but I don'T think that if I had forced him to man-up and be there for me then, I would still have him with me NOW. I learn to keep my cancer issues on the computer with other people like here that understand, talk about it when he is not around with friends and family. He has learned that cancer is not something you are ever "cured" of, but knows that it doesn't define our everyday life and made an effort to accept that sometimes I need to talk about it with others, and if he can't do it, to allow me the freedom to take time off family to do it.
Men tend ot have more difficulty than us to handle such life threatening issues and dealing with the emotions it evokes. The austrich strategy where If I don't see it or hear about it won't affect him being a favorite of theirs. DO I generalize? Certainly, but I saw and heard many stories that proves my point to know this is true.
I wish I had a more supportive husband and someone who could have been WITH me instead of sitting on the sideline when I went through this. Howevere, after several discussion we came to the conclusion he just didn'T have the skills to do it and I was lucky enough to find 5 miracle friends and family members who were more than willing to provide the shoulder for me to lean on and to take on the slack in my family to keep us from falling apart.
I can stay some part of me doesn't old a grudge that I had to go through it alone, but I don'T think that if I had forced him to man-up and be there for me then, I would still have him with me NOW. I learn to keep my cancer issues on the computer with other people like here that understand, talk about it when he is not around with friends and family. He has learned that cancer is not something you are ever "cured" of, but knows that it doesn't define our everyday life and made an effort to accept that sometimes I need to talk about it with others, and if he can't do it, to allow me the freedom to take time off family to do it.
member2248 (Current Patient) - 12 / 19 / 2011
Cool MarySClem, that you found a way to compromise with each other!
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