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How did you tell your children you were diagnosed with cancer?

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Children Communication Just Diagnosed Cancer

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Children X Communication X Just Diagnosed X Cancer X

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Answers (2)

nancys513 (Current Patient) - 02 / 26 / 2011

Hi,
I do not have children but in my work with breast cancer patients the feedback that I have heard from them is that Gilda's Club has a wonderful program called Noogie Land. They have great programs for children with cancer and programs with children who have a parent or sibling with cancer. There are also many books addressing this problem that you can read with your children depending on their age. One thing a patient reported to me is that she did not tell her daughters in the begining but the children knew something was wrong and ended hearing second hand and it was not a good situation. I guess it a person personal decision but I do think that kids are smart and if they sense that something is going on and not know what it is their imagination might cause fear and upset. Many hospitals have social workers or therapists that might help figure out the best way to deal with this tough situation.

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regrounding (Survivor (5 - 10 years)) - 07 / 22 / 2011

Just as our kids are all different, so too are the ways in which we need to approach them. Ten years ago resources were hard to find, and I can clearly recall sitting on the floor at Barnes & Noble crying because I had no clue what to say to my 3 1/2 year old son. However...I came up with something that he could really understand and opened the door to all our future communication.

There are two things that I advise clients.

First, help your children, no matter what age, find reliable resources. It is all but impossible for a child to has his or her parent if she is going to die...and yet with cancer, that is what most children worry about above all else. Frankly, some of us don't want to confront that question ourselves. But giving kids other places to turn - a school counselor (who you've pre-informed!), your doctor or nurses, a family member or friend who offers to help, another child who has gone through this, AND the access to age-appropriate, reliable web sources, can help empower them to find answers to the questions that are keeping them up at night.

Second, answer every question directly, and carefully! I know others differ in their opinions, but I personally believe that kids deserve answers. This is happening to them too! And when you go from one voice mail a day to 30, they know something is up (btw, either send your calls to a cell phone or set your answering machine so that incoming messages cannot be heard as they are being left, especially if you have young kids!). At the same time, I personally, was cautious to be careful with my answers. My son DID ask if I was going to die...and I didn't know. As important as it was to reassure him, I also could not make a promise I couldn't keep -- and leave he and dad with that baggage. My mom actually came through with the answer to that question: "We have a whole team of people working very hard to make sure that doesn't happen." (Thanks, Mom!)

There are two things that I advise clients.

First, help your children, no matter what age, find reliable resources. It is all but impossible for a child to has his or her parent if she is going to die...and yet with cancer, that is what most children worry about above all else. Frankly, some of us don't want to confront that question ourselves. But giving kids other places to turn - a school counselor (who you've pre-informed!), your doctor or nurses, a family member or friend who offers to help, another child who has gone through this, AND the access to age-appropriate, reliable web sources, can help empower them to find answers to the questions that are keeping them up at night.

Second, answer every question directly, and carefully! I know others differ in their opinions, but I personally believe that kids deserve answers. This is happening to them too! And when you go from one voice mail a day to 30, they know something is up (btw, either send your calls to a cell phone or set your answering machine so that incoming messages cannot be heard as they are being left, especially if you have young kids!). At the same time, I personally, was cautious to be careful with my answers. My son DID ask if I was going to die...and I didn't know. As important as it was to reassure him, I also could not make a promise I couldn't keep -- and leave he and dad with that baggage. My mom actually came through with the answer to that question: "We have a whole team of people working very hard to make sure that doesn't happen." (Thanks, Mom!)

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Latest Activity: 07 / 22 / 2011
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