Fear Of Recurrence

I'm not sure that fear ever goes away. No matter how far out we get, no matter how many clean scans, it lurks in a closet waiting...

I agree with everything written: make the healthiest choices possible and embrace the moments we have. The only thing I might add is to give yourself permission for the rough days. For me it was often a scan or test that yanked the fears out of the closet and demanded I confront them. It's so very normal to be afraid, and the only way to deal with it sometimes is to walk through it. Remember there was a day when an initial diagnosis was your greatest fear, and you had the strength to manage it, overcome it, and move on. Trust in yourself that while it's okay to be afraid, should you ever need to, you have the inner stregnth to do it again.

I don't know if that fear ever totally goes away. I am four years post chemo and almost five years post mastectomy. In the span of a month (recently), I had myself in the internet pine box. Every weird episode and every ache and pain that is in a potential "mets" spot and I still have to talk myself off the ledge. I do believe it's definitely a form of PTSD and although it might get better, a cancer dx changes you and it changes you forever.

I found yoga about a year ago, too. That has helped. Pushing the thought out of your head isn't going to do the trick. At least it doesn't do it for me. I have to process the fear in the moment I am feeling it. Even if I KNOW I'm being completely irrational and illogical, feelings are just that. FEELINGS.. and the worst thing, for me, is to attempt to diminish the feeling. Or ignore it. I found when I do that, the damn thing takes on a life of its own and definitely becomes worse than ever and the fear is suddenly larger than life.

If I can't shake the fear and I realize I'm being a bit over the top, I will do things like blast a "feel good song" .... go grab a glass of water.... walk outside if it's a nice enough day..... sit on the yoga mat and do some gentle stretches.... And, honestly, if I can't get myself recentered, I use the anxiety medication. Fortunately, I don't have to use it frequently but if it's necessary, I will take something.

The fact that you are still experiencing pain isn't helping the situation. The pain in itself is a constant reminder so it's not difficult to just make that mental leap. I think as the pain subsides and it's less "in your face" these frightening feelings will become more manageable and will occur less frequently.

Yes, it does take time and it helps if you have a buddy (one buddy) who can help talk you off the ledge. I have a girlfriend who (last month) said, "you need an MRI" (I swore I had brain mets because of two unexplained falls in a 90 minute period of time). When I told her that I was NOT doing that, she switched gears and calmed me down. (She did monitor my "are you falling" in her own sneaky way for the next several weeks...) ....

Talking helps. I hope you keep reaching out. Coming here and just asking the question is a great step in a good direction.

All the best,
AnneMarie