Family

It really does depend on the age of the sons. Two of mine were in elementary school and one was in preschool. My husband told all of them after school was out, in a comforting demeanor at home. Since he didn't show any alarm, they took it well. But of course we never really know how they are feeling deep inside unless they share it with us. My latest blog post is on this very topic at janhasak.com/blog.

Luckily my village showed up. My entire family stepped it up for me in a big way. My mom came to deliver food, pick-up and drop-off prescriptions, my cousins came to clean, my son's dad came by each day to bathe and get my son ready for bed and his bag packed for school the next day, my brother would baby sit so I could rest. Initially I thought wow this is going to be rough, but my family and friends truly provided a strong support system.

Like dlebleu, I was also lucky to have my partner of now 27 years by my side through my diagnosis. Fortunately for us we had established a great relationship of communicating over the years that helps us through any difficult time. That skill served us well during our battle with breast cancer. My advice would be to talk it out and talk through it. Share your feelings and your fears and remember that even though you might personally be dealing with cancer, your partner is dealing with a lot too. They are concerned about your well being, your medical care, and often take on additional duties around the house. Sometimes they might need to talk to someone besides you to express their feelings. Organizations like the Cancer Support Community and Men Against Breast Cancer offer support for caregivers and could be what your partner needs if they are having a difficult time.

It was very hard to share with my parents. They live in Florida and I am in New York City. I am also the baby of the family and single. I know they would worry about me a lot and it could effect their health. I never even told them that I found a lump and I was going for tests. Didn't want them to worry if it was nothing. So much for that.

When experiencing fear of a post-treatment recurrence, I tell my friends that the best thing they can do for me is pray and meditate. It's important to find friends who can handle your expression of fear without judgment or emotion. A loved one may be too close to you to listen to those fears without panicking. A volunteer from the American Cancer Society can be an objective source of support, there just to listen and affirm any anxiety. For breast cancer the ACS offers Reach to Recovery volunteers. I've benefited from this program and now volunteer in that capacity.

This is a question I get asked from time to time. The person with a cancer diagnosis has somehow gone from independent person to helpless victim in an instant in the eyes of well-meaning family and friends after the utterance of a few little words, "I have cancer."

The first thing I suggest is that the person with cancer see these friends and family as well-meaning and totally clueless as to what kind of help they can provide or how to be supportive without keeping cancer as the topic of conversation. Remember they are learning about your diagnosis and may be struggling to understand what it means just like you. They may also be reacting to their own past and an experience with another friend or family member who also had a serious illness. Some of them may have guilt about how they have treated you before your diagnosis and they are trying to make amends. Give them thanks and share your gratitude. Praise them for their work and they will gradually feel like they can step back and let things get back to normal.

In most cases I suggest telling them the truth as you and they are prepared to hear it. Be factual, maybe even clinical but spare the gorey details. Emphasize what your strengths are and what you are capable of doing. Don't try to be super-wo/man. Allow others to do for you to keep them occupied and out of your hair. But set boundaries to respect your own independence. If they get under foot, send them out on a snipe hunt at the store. Let them feel useful even if it's a rouse.

Reassure them that you will call and ask for help when you need it and then do so, so they trust you (then they will relax and allow you to spend some time alone when you want it).

I've often heard that the older we get the more we become who we always were. So if you have someone in your family who's alwasy been a big meddler, they will be even more when they are under stress and as they age. Anticipate who might be more problematic for you to manage and get some help from other friends and family to manage that person's involvement. Assign someone to keep them busy or take them out to eat so you can rest and not have to battle with the over-active mensch.

Understand that you are likely to be hyper-sensitive to this attention and help because you are seeking to control as much of your life as you can following a diagnosis that threatens your independence. Fighting over who does the dishes or takes out the trash isn't relenquishing all of your power. It's just a few dishes and some trash. Pick your battles. If you do need some help and want to feel powerful, set up a routine that tells others when and how to do the things you need done. And then let them do it. You are still in control. You always will be even when you choose to let others do for you.

It's your choice. Use it wisely.

Hearing that someone you love has breast cancer affects everyone differently. Since the possibility of death is there, I find that everyone seems to go through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

It is easy to get stuck in any one of these stages, possibly even for years. Anger or depression are two stages that are easy to hold on to even after treatment is over. I was depressed for a long time after my mothers first diagnosis.

For me seeing a therapist was a life saver. The anxiety, anger and depression I was feeling was affecting my work, my social life, my relationships, etc. I was terrified of talking about cancer in my therapy sessions and instead kept busy talking about the other issues I was having. I was still partly in the denial stage and saying the words aloud were difficult. But now after therapy I feel as though I have finally accepted the reality of the situation.

At first I thought therapy was a never ending experience that I would have to go every week for years. But I just went for a few months until I felt my anxiety was easy to handle and I was able to say my mom has cancer aloud without breaking down.

If you have insurance, out-patient therapy may be covered. If you are without coverage, look for therapists and social workers in your area as they may work on a sliding scale fee, meaning your fee is based on your income. Group therapy may also be a free or inexpensive option.

You can ask and answer questions on this site at any time of day or night and someone will answer. You never know, you may be asking a question someone else is too afraid to ask. Beyondboobsinc.org has listing of support groups as well as ways to start your own. Menagainstbreastcancer.org supports husbands, sons and dads of breast cancer patients.

Taking care of you mental health is important and necessary when you are taking care of someone else. One other way that I made myself feel better was to start checking myself regularly for preventive needs. You can check out selfchec.org for how-tos, and to sign up for monthly reminders for you and your loved ones.