Accepting a redefinition of the word "normal" is an important part of healing from cancer. After my mastectomy and TRAM flap reconstruction surgery in April of '09 and a second reconstructive surgery in September, it took almost a year to heal physically. Now, it's normal to have residual pain from the TRAM flap surgery, which I control with stretching and yoga, but it is always with me. Emotionally, it took even longer to heal, but I will never be the same as I was before the cancer. In some ways that's a good thing, because my "new normal" has brought me many gifts. In other ways, I've had to cope with many losses. The truth is that no cancer survivor I've ever talked to (and I've talked to many through my website and in person) has ever told me that they were able to return to the normal life they had before they were diagnosed. It just doesn't happen. Cancer redefines normal.

No, I'm referring to the person who is ill and no longer able to make competent decisions for himself.

That's a good question! After my mastectomy I felt so driven to give back that I jumped into whatever I could to be of use. I'm also a bit of a workaholic, especially when I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Since I started building the WhereWeGoNow community, I've so enjoyed every contact (in person and virtually) that's it hard for me to remember to pull back sometimes from all cancer all the time.

So, maybe I'm the wrong I person to ask this question. I do know, however, that I relish talking to old and new friends who are not a part of the cancer community. I make it a point to see one of them once every week or two and we have amazing conversations about everything (except cancer.)

My family also keeps me focused on other things. What I should do more of is yoga and "me time" relaxation activities. I got a spa certificate from my husband for my birthday five months ago and have yet to go. I think it's about time, don't you?

I had a problem with this question too. Until about nine months after my mastectomy, I was only aware of and focused on the losses brought to me by cancer. As a result of amazing support (and a lot of oncology therapy) I slowly started to realize that cancer was also bringing gifts into my life. Make no mistake – that didn’t make me grateful for having cancer. But I had to realize that there were things now in my life, solely due to cancer, for which I was deeply grateful.

Because this realization kept bothering me, I had to write it down, and out came my Gifts and Losses List. You can see my list athttp://www.wherewegonow.com/gifts-and-losses/debbies-list#. I think the reason I found making the list so healing was because I honestly admitted and appreciated both the gifts and the losses of cancer. I didn’t try to sugarcoat the losses any more than I tried to deny the gifts. By looking at my new life beyond cancer in this way, I found myself truly starting to heal.

It is undeniable that the things you had to give up due to cancer are losses. In my case, I could never have found optimism by denying the pain of their loss. It took some time (remember I said it was nine months after my mastectomy when I wrote the list), but eventually I was able to recognize that pain was only part of what cancer was bringing into my life. By recognizing the gift of gratitude for all the support I received, I was opening myself up to the yin and yang of the entire experience.


If you feel ready, why don’t you try to write your own Gifts and Losses List? No pressure. It’s entirely private and up to you. If you give it a try, I hope you recognize a few people or things in your life solely due to cancer for which you feel gratitude. It’s a small start, but for me the Gifts and Losses list brought some balance back into my life.

Literally speaking, it’s not hard at all to say to someone, “I’m having a bad cancer day.” The reason we find it hard to actually do, however, is because we feel forced to be positive for others or we are afraid to let people know how we really feel. Being honest takes trust in ourselves that we deserve our feelings and trust in others that they will react with compassion.

When I was struggling with being honest about my bad cancer days I said “I’m fine” whenever anyone asked how I was doing. What I was really saying was, “I’m struggling with overwhelming and confusing emotional fallout and I don’t think you really want to hear about it.”

One day, I admitted to my husband that I didn’t want to visit friends because I couldn’t stand saying “I’m fine” anymore. He told me to simply tell the truth. I did and I was actually surprised by their compassionate response.

My tips are simple, if not easy to do: 1) know that you deserve your feelings, whatever they are, and no matter how scary or confusing they may be; 2) although a positive attitude is helpful, no one should feel compelled to have one all of the time. It’s just not realistic and an unreasonable burden to put on yourself; and 3) don’t be afraid to tell the truth, especially to those people who love you. By doing so, you’re giving them the honor of supporting you when you need it the most.

I just wrote a blog post on this very subject entitled, “Do You Share Your Bad Attitude Toward Cancer? (http://www.wherewegonow.com/debbies-blog/do-you-share-your-bad-attitude-toward-cancer)

My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I remember being where you are now, although I didn’t have to do chemo. The thing I didn’t want to do was go to the hospital, lie down and submit to a mastectomy. I was terrified.

I had about two months to think about it and each day added to my anxiety. Unfortunately, at that time I had no support other than from family and friends. They did their best, but they were scared themselves and couldn’t really know what I was going through. Finally, I realized I needed to do something. I bought a guided imagery CD and listened to it several times a day. It really helped me be in a better frame of mind.

Since your appointment is in just a few days, I would suggest you go on the Internet and search for “guided imagery relaxation exercises” and “relaxation breath exercises.” You should find a wealth of sources, so I will leave the choice of which is best for you to you.

What I suggest you not do on the Internet is go to chat rooms or the like. Everyone’s experience is different and you don’t want to unnecessarily scare yourself. As hard as it is, try to take each moment as it comes, without letting your thoughts jump to the “what ifs.” But, when the “what ifs” hit, the breathing exercises can really help to bring you back to the present and decrease your anxiety.

I would also make plans to bring a supportive friend, spouse or significant other with me to the appointment. I really believe in the necessity of support in whatever form or forms work for you at all stages of the cancer journey. It’s the only way I got through it and I hope I’ve helped support you today. Good luck and all the best to you.

I started The Survivor’s Nest series at WhereWeGoNow because, although many people think they can’t decorate, we all deserve a soft place to land at the end of the day. With just a few simple steps, you can make your home a comforting and nurturing nest:


1. The first place to start is not your home. It’s the magazine rack. Pore over the pictures in shelter magazines and notice what you respond to – positively as well as negatively. By noticing what you like and dislike, you’re learning what kind of space you want to create in your own home. If you find pictures you really like, buy the magazine. Those pictures can become guides for creating a look in your home that speaks to you.


2. Go home and look around. If all you see is clutter, you need to work on that first. By paring down and keeping only what is functional, sentimental and/or beautiful, you’re on your way to creating a space that is personal and comforting.


3. If you need to buy furniture, think in terms of classic shapes and neutral colors. You may love chartreuse as a color (I certainly do), but use it as an accent. There’s nothing worse than trying to force the rest of the room to coexist with a busy, large patterned upholstered sofa. It makes all of your other decisions extremely difficult. I’ve also seen too many people fall out of love with a sofa they thought they loved because it was just too hard to live with in their home.


4. Paint gives you amazing bang for the buck. It brings warmth and cohesiveness to the entire space. Again, choose neutral colors for most rooms, especially larger, public spaces. You can go a bit crazier in a small powder room, if you like. Remember your paint color should complement, not overpower, your rooms.


5. Pull together your collections, art, souvenirs, photographs, books and other objects to make your space personal. We all have stories and your home is the place to tell them.


Hope that helps you get started. Remember your nest should be a refuge and a place to heal your spirit. For more tips, visithttp://www.wherewegonow.com and search The Survivor’s Nest.

Well, you are certainly not alone in that! My home practice has become sporadic too. In fact, just the other day I made my way back to the mat (after a long absence) and was knocked out of a lunge and onto the floor by the sudden noise of a leaf blower outside my window.


I ended up posting about leaf blowers and yoga at home, (http://www.wherewegonow.com/debbies-blog/leaf-blowers-and-yoga-home) because it made me realize in a big way what the problem is: too many distractions. Between work, family, laundry, etc., etc., there is always something else to focus my attention on (I fell out of my lunge when turned my head toward the window to see where the noise was coming from – big mistake!)

The only time I have successfully kept up a regular home yoga practice was when I met the distractions head on and minimized them. For me, that means getting up in the morning, putting on my yoga clothes, getting my kids out to school and then getting right to the mat. It helps that I now have a den set up for yoga, where I can close the door and separate myself from the rest of the house. I need that separation because I have never jumped into my work for the day and been able to pull myself out to do yoga.

The other thing that helps me is remembering how beneficial it is to start my work day with yoga. It relaxes, yet energizes me. It’s a true gift of my cancer and one which I know I don’t want to sacrifice to my busy life. I need yoga and I’m grateful to have found it.